A post about my husband, drunk sex and a missing cat

So I got this joke in the mail. It's pretty hilarious. I could have just e-mailed it out to eleventy-billion of y'all, but then I was all that's why I have blog space. And it's Saturday, and everyone knows that nobody is reading blogs on Saturday, so I can pretty much post whatever the fuck I want to. So I am.


It could be that this joke is *really* that funny, or that I just have a weird sense of humor (I have 2 baby cats, and I can't even imagine acting like this), OR It might just be me being too lazy to write a WHOLE post about how my husband came home super drunk the other night and decided that RIGHT NOW would be the perfect time to have sex, while I completely and unironically was watching the movie Stick It! (which even though sounds like it could be, is NOT porn) and then he passed out, and then this morning he was dragging ass because OMG he was up drinking instead of home sleeping like normal people do. And then when I was poking at him because HEY GET UP, YOU GOTTA GO TO WORK, he made some snide remark about this one time where I went out with my friend and HER friends and one of them thought it would be a good idea to buy us a bajillion car bombs,and shots of tequila AND a Toyko Tea on a fucking Wednesday night, and I apparently thought it would be a good idea to drink them. I got so drunk that I don't even remember getting home (I didn't drive) after midnight, I got up at 5-something in the morning to go to work still not completely sober, in fact, water made it worse, until I wised up and got some Gatorade in me. And when he called me and I told him about the previous night and how all I could do is pray I can finish out this day so that I can go home and pass out, he laughed at me...but I SHOULD HAVE SOME FUCKING SYMPATHY because he's SOOO tired.


So I'm going to make a long story even longer by saying, please to enjoy this joke instead of the above post that's not a post.





Shannon* (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a lost poster. This is their email correspondence...





From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi


I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.


Thanks Shan.





From:David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,


That is shocking news.


Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.


Regards, David.





From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster


yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,


I never said I don't like cats. Attached poster as requested.


Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,


It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.


Regards, David.






From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in color please. Thanks.




From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,


Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.


Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley


Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww


Dear Shannon,


I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.


Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.


Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Please just use the photo I gave you.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



Fine. That will have to do.







*Am I the only one? Or do you have a co-worker JUST LIKE HER at your job too?

** Hey! The writer of this here e-mail has a website. I think I'm in love.

The post where I prove that I am KLASS-AY

Yeah, I really am.

Friday I took The Man to the ESPN zone for drinks with my girlfriends. He LOVES to hang out with them, and he's been the only guy so often that we gave him the nickname "Mr. Bitches" (and I mean that in the least disrespectful way possible. Heh.)

ANYWAYS, we watched the Laker slaughter game against the Clippers (I don't really NEED to say more do I? Fine, I'll say it: Free Tacos!). We decided to leave about 3 minutes before the game ended because a) The Clips were NOT going to make a come back and b) have you ever braved Staple Center traffic? Yeah...no. You don't want to. Trust me.

Have I ever mentioned my ever shrinking bladder? And how I ALWAYS have to pee? Yeah, I do. And so, even though I had JUST WENT...by the time we got to the parking lot, I had to go again. And so...I tell The Man that I have to pee. Again. "Well, you can't go right here," he says...

Except, I can. Because as coincidence would have it, I'd been carrying around one of my Christmas gifts from my cousin. A go-girl. A gift which, I might add, I have been totally excited to use since I got it. I had originally been planning to use it for my next concert because one time I went to a concert, I chose peeing in a cup, to getting in the bathroom line. Srsly.

But he wouldn't let me. Something about us only being 10 minutes from the house...blah blah blah...Why can't I just hold it...yakety smakety...I mean, I was even wearing a SKIRT for goodness sake! It would have been super-easy. I was all excited because it was the PERFECT TIME TO TRY IT OUT!

Mr. Spoil-All-My-Fun shoved me in the car, and made me hold it until I got home.

And on the way home, I told him that if I could have a penis for a day I would get head (because really? I need to understand why men act like they can't live without blowjobs AND why you can pretty much bring a man to his knees by getting on yours) and I would write my name on the ground. Heh.

Well. I'll never know know what it's like to get a blow job, but I did learn what it was like to pee standing up.

What? Did you REALLY think I wasn't going to use it anyways? I mean, it was the PRINCIPLE. Also, it's the best thing ever, and I called up my sister AND my cousin and told the whole world how awesome it was.

Please believe that I washed it and wrestled it back into it's carrying case this morning, and I'm putting it BACK in my purse. Because even though I am PLANNING to use this for the next concert venue with shitty bathrooms, I may have another PERFECT OPPORTUNITY...and I wouldn't want to be caught with my pants down, now would I?

What I do when I miss phone calls

...from people who are calling me from another freakin' country.

I send e-mails.

Hey, Girlie!

1. Missed you, again! Drat. I tried to pick up my phone and hit END instead of TALK, and since you didn’t call back….
2. I went to my cousin's birthday dinner where this happened.
3. In other news, I’m a CONE and my sister, an hourglass (duh.)
4. I guess the working out is working because
• I look slimmer in my clothes, but
• Because I’m PMS’ing I’ve been eating lots of junk all weekend and so,
• The numbers on the scale have NOT moved at all, except up, BUT
• I’m sure at the end of my cycle, they will have gone down significantly
5. Today is The Man's Bday, so I “wished him a happy birthday” instead of going to the gym, which also made me late for work. 
6. I went to Mo’s house this weekend, where she gave the Brat a shit ton of clothes from her niece who apparently only wears things once or twice before moving on to new clothes.
• Also WTF is up with skirts so tiny that I'm pretty sure they cover NOTHING?! If you need to wear leggings under them to make sure your twat isn't being exposed, what you really need is a LONGER SKIRT. #justsayin
• And yes, you know I vetoed any item that made the baby's ass hang out.
• Not that I had to because Mo was already all "ix-nay on the ooty-bay orts-shay"
7. While I was there I realized the Brat is REALLY TINY because after eating 4 slices of pizza and mojo potatoes, she tried on a pair of size 0 shorts OVER HER JEANS  and they fit (I also realized that I hate Brat a little bit…LOL).

Soo, how was your weekend? How's the hubs? Did he get to see the Ravens get with the Pats?

And yes, I really did send out this e-mail (added a few things, but she'll visit here and she'll recognize her e-mail). So. How was YOUR weekend? Do anything interesting?

Not so much looking fondly back as I am looking forward expectingly

I mean, not to sound ungrateful...because it could have been so much worse, I could have been stabbed with a rusty splinter, or hit by a car, or hell.. even robbed at gun point...none of which happened to ME, but you know what? This year pretty much sucked big fat hairy ones, and I would like to go on the record as saying Fuck you, 2009. Fuck you right in the ass.

On one hand, I got a big ol' raise because my jackass boss screwed me over last year, The Man finally retired from the Marine Corps, and I returned to school and am *this close* to graduating, I also went to Vegas a ridiculous amount of times, and met some of my blogger/twitter friends IRL.

On the other hand, I went to war with The Man over a "friend's" relationship, only to have her stab me in the back and force me to kick her ass out of my life (like Mary J. says no.more.drama). The Man, who finally retired from the Marine Corps has no idea what he wants to do with his life, is home 24/7 - which I've never had to deal with before. I returned to school and couldn't really afford it AND I can't use his GI Bill AND can only get a few dollars if he were permanently, totally disabled, or dead (really?! WTF VA?), and along with my raise came MORE WORK while my other fuckwit co-worker cries about how busy he is while spending most of his day trying to beat his friend's bejeweled score of one hundred million, and to top it all off, I found my neighbor whom I've known for freakin' 18 years and called my Auntie, dead and I JUST RECENTLY stopped crying every time I look at her house, which coincidentally faces mine, so every time I walk out of my front door, I see HER front door.

And this just the stuff that happened to ME. Not close friends who just found out their father has cancer, or whose sister had a heart attack, or have been laid off for the better part of 2009 and may possibly lose their house.

I'm not really sure who the fuck I pissed off in 2008 to make this year so relentlessly depressing. Oh wait, NOBODY - because last year I tore my Achilles and was off work for 3 months, while my jackass boss fucked up my paperwork, so I didn't get my disability money AND my husband lost his grandmother AND one of my best friends moved to freaking JAPAN - I actually was thinking that 2009 was gonna be my year because of how much 2008 sucked. Fooled my fucking ass. 2009, you pretty much sucked harder than 2008, and I didn't even think that was possible.

So I'm saying all that to say, so long 2009. Don't let the door knob hit you on the way out. It's been real, it's been fun, but it has NOT been real fun. Don't keep in touch, don't send me an e-mail to see how I'm doing now that you've moved on, in fact let's just pretend that we never met, hm?

And 2010? I've got my eye on you. I'm expecting rainbows and unicorns and a bunch of other really cool shit to happen this year. In fact, I refuse to accept anything less, so consider this a warning.

I'm ready for the new year and it's going to be motherfuckingfabulous. Or else.

So I'm a freak and NOT the good kind

My husband and I cook in different ways. I make a list of what I plan to make for dinner for 7 days. I will check the kitchen to see what I already HAVE, so that I know what to get. (I had to start doing that after I started buying insane amounts of tomato sauce because I kept forgetting that I had some). Add in crap for The Brat’s lunch, which she takes because HELLO? It’s cheaper, AND she can have what she likes – hot cheetos and pears, instead of scary cafeteria food, and shit for MY lunch and we’re done. That list of what’s for dinner? Is now on the ‘fridge so that I don’t forget – because my memory is THAT BAD y’all.

The Man? Will dig around in the kitchen and throw something together that is usually pretty good. Awesome, right? I come home and dinner is already cooked. Most wives would be all grateful and “wow the house bitch husband made me some dinner”. Not me. I’m slightly pissed because he just used my jar of sun dried tomatoes (don’t ask) in a dish that he just threw together and that I NEEDED to make some random recipe I found in a cookbook that I HAD to try. I’M ALSO GRATEFUL, but still. You know I was going to use them for something, said so right on the ‘fridge. And of allll the groceries that I bought, why would you pick the most completely random – never been purchased before item? DUDE. WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING MY STUFF?!

And that’s when I realized it. I never thought of myself as a control freak, but maybe I am.

Even though (I think) I am fairly laid back...I am a list maker, a picky eater (I can NOT eat a salad that I did not make myself. REALLY), I will re-write something because it doesn’t look the way I want it to look, I wrap my friend’s presents for her because O.M.G is she a horrible gift wrapper, and every time The Man makes dinner and uses something that I bought for something else, I want to junk punch him. WTF is wrong with me?

I’m a control freak. ::SIGH:: There, I said it.

I’m so used to doing it all; I don’t let anybody do anything. I will do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry (because did you REALLY just fold my towels like that?). Because I feel like if I don’t do it, it won't get done. Because my kids are lazy assholes who also incur my wrath if they do it wrong not my way, so they stopped doing it. Until now. I’ve started making The Brat accountable for stuff, like dishes – because I don’t want to do them anymore. And I talk mad shit to the house bitch husband when dinner is not ready when I get home from work.

As someone pointed out recently, I don’t HAVE to do everything. And I remember….I was all excited when The Man retired because that meant I’d have help, so I DON’T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING. Anybody seeing a trend? Yeah, me too.

I’m trying. But its hard, so very hard (yeah yeah…. #thatswhatshesaid). But I guess I don’t have to be in control of the universe, as long as I can still be the Queen.

Or maybe it's just me?

I’m SO glad I don’t have babies anymore. My youngest is 13, now, when I watch a show with her it’s to make sure that it’s age appropriate AND not porn. Which means in her case, I watch Degrassi, iCarly, and Total Drama Island (which I think is hysterically funny). When she was younger I watched TV with her to make sure she didn’t color on the walls or choke on a cheerio. Not really a hardship still: Teletubbies, Animaniacs and Sesame Street (do kids still watch that?). I mean, sure the Teletubbies were a little strange (a MAGIC BAG people, like Felix the Cat, Tinky Winky had a magic bag) but still. Ultimately not horrifying.

Fast forward to Tuesday. The Brat was watching her 5 year old & 1 ½ year old cousins. First, it should be mentioned that The Brat does not like kids. Not even the ones she’s related to. She has frequently put the crazy one (Niece #1) out of her room when she comes over and follows her around inundating her with questions with a hysterical case of hero worship. My mom called me to find out how close I was to home because she left her grandbabies with The Brat and she had no idea how long it would be before she snapped. I was less than 5 minutes away.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in and the girls were NOT crying. In fact, The Brat was dancing around with the mean one (Niece #2), while the crazy one sang and played with my hula hoop (YES, I have a hula hoop...what?). I peeked in on them on my way to get some water. Then I came back because of the song. Me: WHAT is this? The Brat: it's Yo Gabba Gabba. Me:..? And then the main characters came on. Ummm...can anybody see that?

No, NOT the weird dude in the hat (although WTF…?) Riiiight next to him.

I kept watching and all I could think of was:

I’m pretty sure that I wasn’t supposed to be thinking of vibrators while watching this kiddie show. But can you blame me?

What's the name of that song....?

So I was sitting in my Music Appreciation class --sidebar: WTF am I doing in a Music Appreciation class? As my friends have pointed out, I think that I could be single-handedly keeping TicketMonster in business. I've seen No Doubt, Linkin Park, Foo Fighters & The Cure; I've got tix for Green Day, Depeche Mode; I WANT tickets for the Killers AND The Sound of Music Sing-a-long..that's just THIS year! It could be argued that nobody appreciates music more than Me. --back to what I was saying...So I'm in this Music Appreciation class..CLASSICAL music, that is...and she says you've probably heard this a thousand times and had no idea you knew this song.

I could have picked Anywhere But Here, or Austin Powers. Where did I remember hearing it? Right here:




Similarly, whenever I hear Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries...all I can sing is "Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit..."

I watched too much TV growing up.

It's a secret, but I'm gonna tell you anyways

Every once in a great while, my friends & I get together for LESS drinking.
Sunday’s event: Vision Boards.
You know… thinking positive, things that you are aspiring to do/be/have.

There was breakfast & mimosas. Already, I’m liking this. Nothing can be all bad when there’s champagne, right? RIGHT.

We watched The Secret (did you know it was a DVD? I didn’t) I’ll admit, I’m not that great at keeping SOME secrets. Also? I have a short attention span.

The secret:
Think positive. That’s pretty much it.
(I'm sure I'm oversimplifying...but still)


It said other stuff, but I started tuning out because I start thinking about all of the things that I want from my life and if I brought enough magazines and how come I didn’t bring scissors OR elmer’s glue and how much fun it was when I would glue my hands and then peel it like I was a snake…but I DID buy some glitter glue when I went to Target for $1 and how they tricked me and I only went in to buy a board but $60 later had the board, stickers, scrapbooking stuff, a few BOOKS and STILL--STILL didn't buy the eyeliner that I needed.

I had a good time. We sat around looking through magazines, asking did anybody want a picture of Christian Bale err…Common, uhhh…WEDDING CAKE (yeah, because there are some single ladies who want to marry and have 8 babies ).

Glued to MY board: a graduation cap, a beautiful house (because I am planning to own a home – soon!), some vacation spots I plan on visiting. Also on my board:

[I am a strong woman]
Because even I need a reminder sometimes.

[Can Do]
Power of positive thinking, anyone?





And because I like it to keep it real

[How to Get What You Want From Anyone
(and we mean that in the nicest way possible)]

Hey, if I’m going to take over the world, being able to get what I want from people is a skill I'm going to need.

I can't afford it

Ticket scalpers, ticket scalpers
Why are you so mean?
You take $50 tickets
And price them so obscene

I just wanna see my favorite band
Sing my favorite songs
I don’t want triple-priced
Does that make me so wrong?

But no!
$100, $200 to $800 or more
I’d need a second job
Probably as the corner whore
(after all…they make pretty decent money and no taxes)

If you’d give real fans a chance
To buy some decent seats
Ticketmonster is bad enough
With crazy “convenience” fees

Do you have to get in on the action?
Selling out concerts super fast…
YOU jack the prices crazy high
While real fans take it up the ass

So F.U. ticket scalper
For the things you do
To keep the prices high
Now….do you have tickets for U2?

If you give a mouse a cookie...

He's gonna want some milk.

I was in need of some work pants. I’ve been fighting it because in my fight against the flab, buying pants in a larger size would be defeat. And I am nothing if not a sore loser. ANYWAYS, I decided I needed to buy at least a pair of pants because, really, I mostly wear dresses to work (so much easier to pretend I hadn’t put on 10 lbs). And I found two pair. Two pair of pants ON SALE for $30. NIIICE. Okay. I’m heading toward the door…

Errr…are those bathing suits? I don’t NEED a bathing suit, I have one I’ve never worn from last year. Put that down. LOOK at those shirts though. That’s nice. Goes with the pants. (I’ll be honest. I have 100 bajillion tops. 3,000,000 sweaters, and 90,000 tank tops. I don’t know where to put it all) But, here I am. Because if I’m going to buy new pants, I should get a shirt to go with these pants and that one is SO CUTE. So, I grab that one.

I’m still heading toward the door. But then, I see a green top. Sort of peasant-y. Thin, short sleeved. So me. Also so cute. And I grab that too. Because remember? I bought TWO pair of pants. And speaking of green? Did I mention that green is my favorite color? I have these green HEELS, but I still can’t wear them, so basically, what I’m saying is: I don’t have any green shoes to go with my shirt. Luckily though, THEY’VE got green wedges that are perfect.

So. If I go to the store for pants, I’m going to need tops and now that I’ve got tops and pants..I need shoes to make it all work. Now I’ve got 2 very cute outfits, and shoes.

Anybody got any cookies?

Let's go to the movies

I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned before how much I love movies...I've seen some good stuff like Michael Clayton, to some pretty bad stuff like this one, but it's so bad it's GOOD, y'all. But I don't watch blood & guts. So no The Ring, or Saw #937 (why are there so MANY of these Saw movies?)

When I was younger, I would see a couple of movies a week, at LEAST. I had a friend that worked at the movie theatre and I was pregnant, so I had lots of hours to kill in the daytime. And even pregnant, there was only SO MUCH TIME I was going to spend sleep or stuck in the house, I figured a moving picture was a good compromise of getting out, but not doing too much. I had been given the sentence of "bed rest" early in my pregnancy, so it was more like jail time as opposed to real rest and/or relaxation.

When I married, I worked at Tower Records where I could be around my two loves: Music and Movies --and it's also where I was introduced to porn. Weird. Go figure. Anyhooters, from there I rented a movie or two a night and moved on to building a MASSIVE movie collection (Damn you DVDs for being all streamlined and SMALL and making my 350+ VHS tapes a big gigantic pain in my ass because where the eff am I supposed to STORE that many freaking tapes and now The Man wants to COPY them all to DVD and I told him he must be out of his damn mind if he thinks that I've got the kind of free time to make something like this happen...and so now I'm buying a bajillion DVDs and just hope he hasn't noticed that I've just started replacing my Disney videos with Disney DVDs)

And I don't see as many movies as I'd like any more, I've got stuff like LIFE getting in the way and I have a list of movies that I want to see that is a mile long, BUT...but I am going to go the the SUPERBOWL of movies. I'm going to the Best Picture Showcase!

I am going to the movies next month to see ALL FIVE Oscar nominated movies. I'm going to put on my comfy pajama pants (I know. But I'm going to be at the movies for at least TWELVE HOURS and that's a long time to be wearing skinny jeans while eating my weight in popcorn and drinking a ocean's worth of water/pop) and bring my own milk duds, and maybe hot cheetos. I just love hot cheetos. And watch Milk, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire, The Reader , and Frost/Nixon, with breaks thrown in for the potty and food.

I’m excited. The first time I did it, I was a concerned that it would be too much. I hadn’t seen more than two movies in a row since my movie-hopping days. (Hey, movies are EXPENSIVE..and I figured since I’m already HERE…) But it was a lot of fun. Even the ones I didn’t LOVE were so good I could see why they were nominated. And I could even have an informed opinion on which movie I thought was better and why, you know.. just in case somebody from the Academy gets sick/dies/doesn’t vote and at the last minute they need a pinch hitter to come in and break a tie for the Best Picture and not just anybody, but somebody who KNOWS Oscar movies. Somebody who has seen every movie and has analyzed every nuance of each film…

…Or, maybe I’m just somebody who wants to kill a whole entire day watchin’ movies & eating bon bons in her pj’s with her girl friends, with a pillow so her ass doesn’t get too sore and a box of tissue. I hear that Slumdog Millionaire is a tearjerker.

Because all sense isn't good sense...

It's my own fault. Over at Tattooed Minivan Mom she was giving her hubby free reign to write a post and I thought it would be a cool idea to let The Man write a blog post over here. I forgot that 1. He likes to exaggerate 2. He can REALLY talk 3. He's an ass..LOL.
So, as your hair greys while reading this post, remember: He loves me, he's pretty good in bed and he pays most of the bills.

Introducing...my husband aka The Man better known as Mr. Fucking Funny Man.

So Ole Girl wants me to write something for her blog site. I told her I would do it, just because she thinks I can write some funny stuff. If there is an easy way out of something I will try it, so I suggested she use one of my stories from some of my adventures around the world, she shot me down saying “that I had to do something new”. I told her to give me a topic or some guidance on what she wanted to see, she sends me back a list of things, all talking about her. Wow, you want me to write out of the blue, but it has to be about you. I gotta sit here and type for who knows how long, but you need to be the subject. Well since I am doing all the typing, I will write about what I want.

This is just a few of my favorite people, places and things.

Ole Girl: She is in my list of favorite people and tops the list of people I want to do…

My little people: When you see them in action, you wonder where they get their brains and talent from. Not from me I know that. They know math, I don’t. I know when I go to the atm and it says your broke, I figure somewhere in my spending, I forgot to carry the 1 over and move the decimal point.


My Mom: If time could be bought back, I would be flat broke. There is no amount that I would not spend to bring my mom back….

My Dad: Yup he is in my list of my favorites. When you think of role models and super heroes, he is both of those wrapped up into one. Wisdom, Strength, Compassion, Faith, Trust and so much more. I remember growing up, I would do something stupid and my dad would lecture me for hours about it. One day he talked so long, I saw the sun go down and the street lights come on. I was like “dang, now would be a good time for a run away car to come and hit me, at least he would change the subject”.


My Sis and Bro: Now when I say that none of us are alike in anyway, it’s the truth in all ways. Not saying anything bad.

Bacon: if you are a vegetarian, your missing out on one of God’s greatest gifts to man.


Spam: If someone told me that I had to choose between Spam and Bacon and I could only have the one that I chose, for the rest of my life and could not change. I would ask that person if anyone else knew that we were having this conversation and if they would follow me out to this little cabin that I have in the desert. That person would never be heard from again. Those are my 2 favorite meats. Some folks like a nice big juicy steak, not me.

Sports: What would I do if there were not sports to watch? I would be broke, because I would have at least 18 kids. All I would do is bang Ole Girl day and night and have her think she was making doughnuts, the way they would be rolling out of her.

Papas and Beer: Holy Shit, they have a place that you can go and start clubbing at 9 am. When I say I thought I had made it to Mecca (that was before I drove up to the Spam museum in Minneapolis, that was my Mecca (I really like Spam)), I knew I had made it to the promise land. A cool place to party, and we opened up a tab.. By 11am this place is Asshole to Elbows packed. The sun had not burned off all the morning dew, but the club was jumping and drinks were being served. We drank from 9am – 5 pm for $90.00. Ole Girl will testify, that we don’t drink lightly and I don’t mind buying a group of folks a round of drinks. I bought a lot of rounds of drinks and for a lot of folks and we all had the best time ever.

Ole Girl wants me to keep this short so, those are a few things that made my favorites list. Hope you enjoyed reading…

They ARE watching

It's official. Somebody is recording my random conversations so that movies that I want to see, come on television right when I want to see them.

I have a list of movies on my blockbuster account 250 movies long, so I thought it was just coincidence that just as a movie hit the top of my queue, it would come on TV. Ohh, I can dismiss things like Hairspray! After all, it had just come to cable and they were running it, like, every 3 hours on the hour. But when I started adding obscure/OLD movies like Please don't eat the daisies, or How to marry a millionaire...and they would come on AMC or TCM about a week later. I began to get suspicious. Is there someone listening to my conversations and checking MY list of flix to schedule TV Programming..?

Think I'm making it up? Last week, I had a conversation about a movie that I watch whenever it comes on. No, not that one, Save the Last Dance (not better, I know). And I discovered that there is a part 2. Didn't know that? Surprise! Me either. Anyways, someone volunteered to let me borrow their copy, and I'm all, I'll come & pick it up tomorrow. And I get home, and guess what's on: Save the Last Dance 2. On MTV. Well. What the hell?

Example #2: Please Don't Eat the Daisies is one of my all time favorite Doris Day movies. I was talking to my cousin because she called to tell me Pillow Talk was on (another fave) and I said, I should just BUY my favorite movie. Then I thought, well...when's it coming on?

TCM
Fri, Nov 28, 1:15 AM
Please Don't Eat the Daisies

So I guess I don't have to. It'll be on next week. Next on my list: West Side Story and Sideways. Sideways is not airing in the next 2 weeks, but West Side Story? Next Wednesday @ 8PM.

Really? I mean, I realize the whole point is that they are supposed to be airing things that people want to see...but is there somebody besides me who wants to see Don't Bother to Knock? Which, incidentally is coming on Friday, at 6AM on HBO.

I was completely unaware that they had began stalking me by internet and listening in on my conversations to see what I'M watching. But whatev. I may as well use this power for good.

Anybody wanna see Batman Begins...?

Boo-ya. Coming on Monday, the 24th at 7PM on FX.

You're welcome.