I haven't been able to write.
Because I've been TALKING. Talking, talking, TALKING. I don't think I've ever spent so much time talking. Because I was mad. Beyond mad, actually. Pissed off to the highest of pisstivity, if you will.
I went out for a friend's Big Birthday Bash. Where after a somewhat cursory hello, she and a couple of friends proceeded to ignore me. Since I am a) slightly oblivious and b) sure I've done nothing wrong, I disregard the feeling that I'm being iced out. Because that's just crazy and I'm being ridiculous. Also? I pulled one of the "friends" aside to ask if there was a problem, and she said NO. The Birthday Girl's husband, with whom I'd had a falling out came, and promptly bought me a shot. While The BG's husband & I are not BFF's... I almost never turn down a free drink, I know he's trying to make nice AND he's The Man's BFF, so I accept it.
The Birthday Girl's friend stops ignoring me long enough to ask if I'm putting in on bottle service. Which I'm not. Unfortunately, I couldn't stay very long because I didn't drive myself, but also because the feeling of not being wanted there persisted.
As my ride & I were leaving, I finally gave in to my paranoia and asked her "WTF?" Her response, "I KNOW." So, apparently I was not only *not* crazy...I wasn't even alone in the feeling of hostility being directed and her & me. AND I completely missed the request to hold the bottle service until we left conversation being held while I was having my inner monologue... As the pieces started falling in place: the hints about being ready to drink, the way they completely separated us from their conversation, getting the stink eye from the BG's friend, the madder I got.
I decided that I DIDN'T want to talk about it anymore. Not with the Birthday Girl, not with anybody. But then she started calling me, which I ignored because I was too mad for any conversation I had to be constructive. So then she e-mailed me. NOT to apologize, or discuss the weekend...she e-mailed me to pretend like nothing was wrong. And THAT? Made my head explode. At which point, I wielded the truth like a baseball bat and bashed her over the head with it. I don't LOVE confrontation (hard to believe, I know), and yet... I felt like I had to point out some things that she neglected to say to me ON TOP OF she and her friends acting like a big giant assholes at her Birthday Bash.
Which led to some back & forth conversations that only led to no conversations at all. Normally, I'd feel bad about that. In fact, I felt bad enough about it to talk to the BG's husband, because I didn't want him to think that HE was the reason for the conflict. And in talking to him, I realized that she'd done more than just ignore me, she'd made specific requests on how HE was to treat me as well. And I didn't like that at all. Not because I expected differential treatment, but because it said so much about how she felt about me that she'd even make the request.
I have been MORE than a good friend to her, and I've known her a really long time. She is not a person who shies away from making her opinions or feelings known and there is nothing she loves more than confrontation, so I have no idea why she chose to make her displeasure known with me this way. I DO know, that *this* is not how you treat friends, and so at this point, I choose not to call her friend.
I've said everything that I have ever wanted to say about this. And I've said plenty. I've bent my friends' ears off with lots of "Can you believe this shit!?!'s" and "WHO does that?!'s" with a few "WTF?!'s" thrown in for good measure.
My anger has burned off leaving lots of Tired and Indifference in it's wake. No burning need to demand an explanation, no curiosity as to how she's dealing with this on her side...just nothing.
And so, I am dismissing this whole incident, and her, with silence. I do not want an apology, or to hear her side (again), nor am I interested in reparations for the sake of a preserving a decade-long friendship.
It seems like I should be a lot sadder than I am about this, but it is what it is.
I don't want to talk to you; I don't have anything to say.