Friday, December 26, 2008

The TRUE Meaning...

mon·de·green: (mŏn'də-grēn', môn'-) n. A series of words that result from the mishearing or misinterpretation of a statement or song lyric. For example, I led the pigeons to the flag instead of I pledge allegiance to the flag.

Every year for Christmas Eve, the family has Christmas Dinner and a gift exchange at my Mom’s house. This was created so that we can all get together for the Holiday, without having to spend Christmas DAY driving all over LA to visit everyone, and we can spend it doing whatever we’d like.

So there we are, sitting around passing out gifts, laughing and listening to “Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas” on a local radio station that plays Christmas music, when my cousin announces to no one in general:

I JUST NOW realized the words to this song are NOT “Happy golden days, up yours.”

(Well, if THAT doesn’t scream Christmas spirit, I don’t know what does. But, if I’m going to be honest, I’ve thought UP YOURS to no less than THREE people when I was doing my last minute Christmas shopping and said it to the lady that stole my parking space at the mall)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

All I want for Christmas

So The Man called me the other day to ask what I wanted for Christmas. My response? Nothin’. NOTHING? Nothin’.

Which is true. I’ve asked for a Wii Fit, and a bracelet from Tiffany's. But not for Christmas. I asked for the Wii Fit because, well...I want one. The bracelet from Tiffany’s? I ask every year for my birthday present. So far, not yet. But I keep hope alive. After all, he completely surprised me 2 years ago with a brand new car (He surprised me by having my friends take me out drinking and when I went back to my car found a NEW ONE in my parking space. He also scared the sober into me, because I thought my car had been STOLEN), so there’s still a chance. Although probably not until my car is paid off…

Every year, we go a little crazy buying gifts for everybody we know, whether or not we can afford it. This year, I put my foot down. We pulled names this year at Thanksgiving dinner, so that we all had to buy ONE gift an adult, and then we can buy for the kiddies only. I did the Yankee Swap with my girl friends. I baked cookies for co-workers.

Not those two. Those 2, I gave to The Man. He likes head. What can I say?

This year, he’s already given me everything I asked for: He’s fixed my bike, so that I can go riding;He drove all the way to the hospital to get my prescription when I realized the MD did NOT give me strong enough drugs after surgery on my ankle, 25 miles away AT 5 PM IN rush hour traffic; He pumped me full of vicodin held my hand when I had a slight melt-down because I was absolutely positive I was going to die if I couldn’t get my cast off RIGHT.NOW. And, he buys me cookies (you know, those sugar cookies and have icing & sprinkles.? Yum).

I can’t think of anything that I want to see under the tree for me, so, I told him that I already got what I wanted. I’m relatively easy to please (obviously), and he knows this. Still he says, I can’t get you NOTHING for Christmas. Sure you can, I say. I don’t want anything. Except maybe some sex. I know... How about you put your dick in a box?

Anyways, I hope your Christmases are filled with the kinds of gifts that keep giving all year through. Have a Happy!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Introducing...My Christmas Card

I never, EVER send out Christmas cards. I’m not sure why. I love to get them. And when I do, I oooh & ahhh and I put them up on display. But I’ve never in the howeverlong I’ve been married sent out Christmas pictures. I send out pictures of random events

St. Patrick’s Day. Can you think of anything more awesome than sending out pictures of you, your sister & cousin, and a childhood friend doing a pub crawl to the rest of the family? Yeah, me either. Although, that sort of qualifies as a family picture. (Sorry, no explanation for the cash. We're not Vegas, and nobody seems to know why she has it. I asked)

Tailgate Party. Where USC won. AGAIN.

Happy Halloween Picture. I know I'm the best wife EVER for choosing matching costumes.

And still. No Christmas Pictures. So this year, that changes. Here’s the picture that I’m sending out. By e-mail, because I’m too lazy to go to the Post Office.

*Special thanks to The Man for making me pose for this and The Brat for taking this picture.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Yankee Swap. A pictorial.

This year my girl friends and I got together to exchange gifts. Yankee Swap/ White Elephant Style.

The premise:
Each person is given a number.
Gifts are drawn in numerical order.
Each person has the option of picking a gift, or swiping somebody ELSE’S gift; leaving the now gift-less person with the option of swapping somebody’s gift.
Each gift can only be stolen 3 times.
The first person has the option of swapping a gift once every one else has gone.

What it looks like:

(It should be noted that there is usually ONE gift that nobody wants. This year that gift was: BBQ set)

Throw in pink panties*, fried chicken, Caesar salad, pizza, chocolate covered strawberries, and Kahlua crème pie and you have the Girls Night Out Yankee Swap.

Good Times.

*Pink Panties Recipe:

Blended drink--
Frozen Pink Lemonade
Vodka (or Clear Rum)
Ice Cream

Top with whipped cream

Monday, December 15, 2008

Can I still call it Christmas shopping?

This week, I was under the weather (a slight understatement; I was a stuffed up, coughing, puffy-eyed, cootie-covered MESS), so I didn’t get a chance to do any Christmas shopping.

When Friday rolled around, feeling mostly better after being in a Nyquil induced haze for 2 days straight, I figured I was feeling good enough to attend my Girls Night Out Christmas Party. This usually includes, food, games, drinking –but no DRINKING GAMES (three words: Shots and Ladders. Four more: Just don’t do it) and the giving of gifts.

So I figured I better get out there and get my gift. We do our gift giving White Elephant style, with a $25 max spending limit. Because we love each other, but we are not rich.

I hadn’t decided what I wanted to get, which is unfortunate, because I can be indecisive at the best of times, let alone still foggy brained from too much Nyquil. (Am I a typical Libra? You be the judge.) My cousin sends me to Pier 1. “You should be able to find something there”. Famous last words. I found plenty:
A gift for my niece. A cookie decorating kit. Comes with Iced cookies and edible markers for her to draw on her cookies. So cute.

Twisted Martini glasses. For Me.

Hot Chocolate set for my girl friend’s daughter...

White Hot chocolate in Snow Man Jar. For Me... Noticing a trend anyone?

Know what I DIDN’T get? A white elephant gift. So I decide to go over to Sephora, because I didn’t see anything over at Pier 1 (Ha!)

Oh look.
Two-faced World Domination Tour. For Me. I've always wanted to take over the world.
Okay, Okay… I found the gift! It’s cute. It’s girly. It’s Smashbox Lip gloss. Because we don’t all wear eye make-up, but every lip is always covered. And I also spy with my eagle eye NARS Nail Polish. In a variety of dark & sexy colors. So I grab a handful and rush to the register before I can do any more damage to the checkbook. (Yeah, I totally blew the max limit…but hey, I love my girls).

But not quick enough:
For me.

Oh, the joys of giving to myself to OTHERS...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Girl Who Cried...Divorce.

A few years ago, The Man and I were having some differences of opinions. I thought he was an asshole, he didn't. Anyways, his suggestion was separation. In my own "all-or-nothing" way, I told him kiss my ass No thank you. We are either married or divorced. I don't believe in halfway, so if you'd like I can divorce you. That is, the ONLY time he ever brought it up. In fact, he began to straighten up & fly right not too long after that conversation. And we lived happily ever after. Okay, umm... mostly happily? I don't hate his guts right now? Let's just say we worked it out.

That being said, I didn't play the big D card lightly. When I said it, I had already STARTED looking for an attorney, because really? I was already halfway out the door. After I played my trump card, we BOTH made the decision to make it work. Although, the changes were mostly on his side, since, you know...he was the asshole person in the wrong. My point is, divorce is serious business, it's not a threat you use like you'd say "I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to come over there and..."...then you count to 2, like THIRTY fucking times, when really you should've just counted to 3 and then went over there like you threatened. Either do it, or don't. Either shit, or get off the pot, as my Mom would say.

ANYHOOTERS, I have this friend (no really, I have friends)...she uhhh...counts to 2. A lot. She's a pretty dramatic lady. And while I don't necessarily have a problem with being dramatic (heh), I DO have a problem with people who don't follow through. And more importantly, I hate having to LISTEN while you don't do it.

Her: I've had enough of this, I told him I want a divorce. If he thinks I'm going to put up this, blah blah blah...
Me: Well, I'll stand by you, whatever you decision you make. I am CERTAINLY not the person to tell you to stay or go, no marriage is perfect, ESPECIALLY not mine, yakity smackity...
Her: He said he's sorry, going to change, he brought me flowers, blah blah blah...
Me: I'm happy for you. I hope he means it, I guess this means I don't have to hate his guts...yada yada yada

I am genuinely happy for her. I'm a "you like it, I love it" kind of girl. Especially, if we're talking about relationships. I don't have to sleep with him at night, so who am I to tell you? He may do something REALLY cool with his tongue or something. Whatev.

And then about a year later:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Here to help!
Her: He's sorry!
Me: Ok!

At this point, I tell her that in my humble opinion, you shouldn't say the D-word unless you really, REALLY mean it. Think of it like a gun. If you pull it out, you better be ready to use it. (Yep, that's what she said).

8 months later:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Sure you are...
Her: He's sorry!
Me: I'm sure.

At this point, concerned for both HER sanity and mine, I (and other friends) talk to her about therapy. Perhaps she should get some. So what if he won't go, at least then you will have a different perspective and maybe even learn how to cope with your relationship issues. I've learned in my short life that changing how YOU deal with situations can change how other people react as well. More importantly, I am totally not equipped to deal with this sort of thing. I'm your friend and feel that asshole behavior by husbands should be corrected by being buried alive in the desert on the way to Las Vegas, thus giving you an alibi AND a place to celebrate your newly single status. (Yes, I am totally THAT FRIEND).

She goes for a little bit. Some people can't do therapy. I get it. And then:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Really?
Her: No....not really.
Me: Well. Okay then.

So now, I'm trying not to pull out my hair. I tell her the D-word looses it's scary, get-your-shit-together-or-else power if you pull it out every time you fight. If you say it, you need to mean it. Because, right now, NOBODY believes you mean it. Most especially HIM. Her response: this time he knows I mean it.

So this week, you'll never guess what happened. Or can you?

Me: Sure you are.
Her. Yes.

I'm skeptical. But I'm there for a friend in her time of need. We talk...mostly I listen, because I have no opinion --your relationship, your decision. Okay, well, I HAVE an opinion, I'm just going to keep it to myself. And as I'm listening, she is convincing me that this time she really DOES mean it. And then she says...

I have to make a big statement, so that he knows I really mean business this time.

Dammit! Did I just hear somebody counting in the background?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Tuesday Tangents

I called my bank to tell them I lost my card. You know? The “If your card is lost or stolen, call THIS number” number? Well, that’s what I called. After several prompts asking if I wanted this message in English, did I want to take a survey after I spoke with customer service, I got a real person.
Him: Can I have your card number?

I always take the street in to work, never the freeway, because it’s much faster. And today, I took a street that I haven’t taken in a while. (I like to switch my route, because I’m paranoid, and concerned that someone is stalking me and knows I usually take Whatever Ave. home). Sometimes I would call The Man and say, guess what I saw? I just saw a man driving with pigeons in the dashboard. He would call bullshit. I mean, like really? Who would make that up, I’d say. Why would I call you to tell you that? Surprise! That time I had my camera phone out & ready because I KNEW he wasn’t going to believe it.

But today, I forgot my phone at home. Rather than return home to get it, I figured everybody e-mails me anyways, so not that big a deal I don’t have it. Why, WHY didn’t I have it?
Today I saw

A boy wearing a cape. But not just any boy. I’m going to guess a 15 year old boy, wearing a cape, standing at the bus stop. A cape like this one. He was wearing a black shirt, a pair of jeans, AND A RED CAPE. I wanted to stop and take his picture because I figured nobody would believe me. But I couldn’t. And that's how I found out I didn’t have my phone.

I also saw a working girl. At 7 AM. Freezing her ass off on the corner of Hard & For the Money Street. She was wearing a yellow tank top, and the thinnest yellow leggings EVER (and no underwear, which I could have lived my WHOLE life without knowing – but that was how thin they were), and knee high white stiletto boots. Which were REALLY cute. I was sitting in my car, kind of staring off.. you know, stuck at a light and just taking in the surroundings, when I saw her walking up across the street. She looked cold, hell, I was cold, and I was wearing a dress, a sweater and some boots (not as fly as hers though). It was about 60 something degrees this morning. I was hoping she was getting off “work”, but really, it looked like her day was just getting started. Then again, I suppose hooking is probably like working at a 7-11; it’s a 24-hours-a-day-7-days-a-week job. Probably without benefits. Then I got to thinking how it would probably be better as a seasonal job. I mean, think about it. In the summer time, the weather is pretty warm, which is good because you probably aren’t wearing a whole lot. Even at night, you’re okay because the evening temps don’t dip too far down. There are lots of people out; my area is a tourist town, so there’s probably brisk business. And you probably can get away with not being on the corner because the customer may want to take you to a hotel in Beverly Hills and rent you for the month, and then, you can just get a flat rate or something…Wait. Apologies. I believe that I saw that in a movie.

Still though, there’s a pretty good chance the weather alone lends that profession to closing down in the winter… because selling your wares in the winter, even in Southern California has got to be uncomfortable when it’s cold. Except that one hooker I saw once. She was wearing a big ginormous down jacket…one of those puffy ones. Downside: She was butt naked underneath. (Didn’t get a picture of that either)

Friday, December 5, 2008

We've won the war...

And I'm ready for the stinkin' battle. Yep, it's time. Tomorrow is the USC/UCLA game. Every year The Man and I host a tailgate party. Because we're crazy like that. AND, we decided long ago that the easiest way for neither of us to be among the enemy is to have everyone c'mon down and watch UCLA get ANOTHER SPANKING the game, tailgate style.

I've got my Reggie Bush jersey, and my trash talk...the husband has his UCLA crap. (boo...). The beer fridge will be stocked (YES, I really DO have a beer fridge. For just such occasions) and the girl fridge will be filled up fruity beverages that are yummy and alcoholic. Soda & water for the kids AND one of those jumpers, so they will stay out of the way while mommy & daddy cheer for their teams. Hamburgers & hot dogs all around. I know. I'm an AWESOME Mom.

I'm keeping this post short because:

1. I'm tired. So tired in fact, that my boss sent me home because I must look like shit. Which is not all that surprising because I feel like it too (see letter A)

2. I need to clean up, a little bit. Let's face it, how much dust are a bunch of guys focused on football going to notice? Right. But the girlfriend's and wives? Will definitely notice the crap currently covering my coffee table.

3. Those jello shots aren't going to make themselves.

So. Have a good weekend, and if you're a UCLA fan eat crap and die , we can all get along as long as you guys lose. Please ignore any drunk twittering, I'm sure I'll post pictures Monday, and I'm totally willing to take the heat if my team doesn't pull through.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Pop Quiz

Good Evening class. Betcha didn't know you were going to stop by and get pop quizzed. Of course, you didn't. Pop quizzes always take the quizzees (is that a word? anyone? anyone?) by surprise.

Lucky for you, it's multiple guess*.

Question #1:

So, I run into a co-worker I haven't seen in quite a while. She's changed departments and I work in a pretty big place. She spends THIRTY MINUTES catching me up on her life. Then she says, "So...How are you?"

The Answer? "I...

a) am wondering why its called PRE-Menstrual Syndrome, I never have it PRE, always DURING. Have a happy period, my ass.

b) am wondering where The Man hid my surprise that was delivered ding, dong, ditch style by the UPS guy...

c) am surprised they continue to let me work here. I told my MD that I was "F'ing his I". WHY couldn't I have said "I was letting him know" like normal people?

d) think my ass is expanding exponentially for the holidays.

e) have a love/hate relationship with the MAC store in the mall by my job. I puffy heart & rainbows their make-up, I DO NOT heart their employees there.

1. have a gift certificate burning a hole in my pocket.

f) don't understand the purpose of the Victoria Secret "Fashion Show". They're panties! Panties on TV, people.

g) cry on the inside because I really, REALLY miss wearing high heels.

h) need a drink. Already.

i) am fine, thanks.


all of the above.

Too Easy?

Question #2: Chuck Norris solved the Bermuda Triangle by using the Pythagorean Theorem.

True or False?

*Please be aware this counts for 25% of your grade. (Didn't you HATE it when teachers did that? What kind of jerk would give you an exam with like, 4 or 5 questions on it, and then tell you shit like "this can make or break your grade in this class"? A big GIANT teacher jerk, that's who.)

Monday, December 1, 2008

Brought to you by the Letter N

Brandy over at I'm Not Your Average Soccer Mom had a meme that I thought was pretty cool. TEN of my favorite things...with a twist. All of my things need to start with N.

So I bring you - My List of favorite things, to the Nth power. Hah.

1. Nine West - because I like SHOES. Somewhat of a shoe FREAK really. I was going to built a WHOLE SHOE CLOSET in my spare room, that was spare because The BOY moved out to make his way in Santa Cruz, but...he made his way back home, so...I'll have to save my selfish shoe closet obsession until he moves out FOR REAL. LOL.

2. Noting of your life in an internet fashion - also known as a BLOGGING. Some of my favorites? Laural Out Lout and She's Lump. They're both pretty hilarious. (Hmm...This letter N is much more difficult that I thought it would be.)

3. Nature - I enjoy playing outside when I get the chance. Bike riding on the beach (hurray for living in a place where weather allows most of the time), outdoor concerts, the smell of fresh cut grass that I didn't have to cut myself, naturally...and cookouts on the weekends.

4. Ninjas - Because in a fight between Pirates vs. Ninjas, even though Pirates are way cooler (they've got wine, women and really cool songs to sing)... a Ninja would kick a Pirates ass before the Pirate could slug his first chug of Rum.

5. Nooners - Yep, nothing beats love in the afternoon. Heh.

6. The 'Net - Hey, without it, how would I be friends with all of you? And how else would I have found out about Cake made with tequila?

7. Neighbors & New Friends - My real life Neighbors are awesome. They attend all the get togethers at the house and have a few of their own. And my bloggy new friends are pretty awesome too. (And pretty entertaining, I have to say)

8. New York, New York - That would be the city AND the hotel in Vegas. I like to travel and do as much as I can and I LOOOOVE Vegas. (And I couldn't figure out another way to get those 2 things on the list...they don't start with N and I love them both.. Well. Travel & Vegas, not the NY hotel because when I stayed there, I was in a room soo fucking far from the elevator I should have stayed in the hotel next door, and this one time while trying to get to my room I almost PEED on myself because I was a)drunk b)unclear on how long it was REALLY gonna take to get back to my room and....TMI? okay. Moving along)

9. That Nincompoop I married. Also known as The Man, whose nickname actually DOES start with N.

10. Nonsense - Like movies that make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts, playing games with the Brat, hanging out with my girl friends, corny jokes, and This.

So there you have it, some of my favorite things, brought to you by the letter N and the number 10.

Now, Brandy gave ME my I guess if you wanna play...I'll give you yours.