Thursday, August 28, 2008

I am NOT ready

I took the brat to register for school the other day. I was inappropriately excited, and a little sad. My baby girl is growing up. She will be graduating this year from the 8th grade. And I have to admit that the thought of her going to high school makes me wicked nervous (I most certainly DO remember my high school days and to say I was a handful would be the understatement of the em-effing CENTURY).

Anyways, I remember when she was in Kindergarten, and she was broken hearted when she found out that when she graduated to 1st grade, her teacher wasn't going to be there with her. She had a strange affinity for dresses (which she most certainly DID NOT get from me), to the point that when she was 3, she didn't even OWN pants of any kind because she would not wear them. At all. My baby. Weird even then.

Now, she's all jeans, all the time. She gets her period (lucky, LUCKY me). She goes to the movies & the mall with her friends (and a chaperone...she's 12, not 15), and she's got boobs!

But she's somewhere in the middle. Some little girl left, with just enough teenager thrown in to make me want to punch her in the eye sometimes. These last few days, her cousins have been here at the house because, well...because they can be and I'm not back at work yet. I've been listening to them giggle and discuss the Jonas brothers, the twilight movie, and blah blah blah.

This morning, she woke up EXTRA early...and since everyone else was still sleeping, she got in the bed with me and we watched cartoons until we fell back asleep.

This AFTERNOON, she was reading Rolling Stone (The Jo Bros were on the cover) and she says to me:

Brat: Mommy, have you ever played beer pong?
Me: No, I don't like beer THAT much. I don't even know how it's played.
Brat: It's like ping pong, except you put cups on the sides of the ping pong table and you try to get the ball in the cups, and if you do, that person has to drink the beer.
Me (on the inside): WTF?!
Me (on the outside): Well, what the hell?! How do you know that? Aren't you a little YOUNG for drinking games?
Brat: Mommy, I know I'm not old enough to drink. They have a picture of it in the magazine. (Points it out to me)
Me: I have to ask. I don't have time to be taking to you AA meetings. It will interfere with your soccer practice.

I am SO unprepared for this.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

That's what she said....

Well...The Olympics are over. Finally. I personally am in it for the gymnastics and synchronized swimming. Don't judge me. Anyways, in honor of official ending of the summer olympics, I give to you, unintentional porn...

Here are the top comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

  1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
  2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
  3. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
  4. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces. "
  5. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
  6. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
  7. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......."

Apparently, I was watching the wrong sport.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

On the road again...

I'm sort of getting used to hobbling around on my fancy boot. It's been a few days, but now that I can walk around, I'll be damn if I sit in the house twiddling my thumbs.

So far, I've:
1. Made a fancy cake (yummy, yummy cake) and went to a bar to eat it.
2. Driven the brat to a friends for a sleepover
3. Went shopping (does it make me a bad person to exchange the brats clothes for a new dress for mommy?? It was on sale...)
4. Hit the movies --Mama Mia! I'm a sucker for musicals.
5. Celebrated my anniversary --do I really need to tell you what I was doing? Let's just say, it's easier to do what I did WITHOUT my cast.

So today, I was telling The Man how even though I'm out of my cast, I still feel like a cripple. You know, people still opening doors, the ooh, do you need any help with that & junk. Not that I don't appreciate it because I do, and I do need help with that. I've got a ginormous boot AND I'm using one crutch for support. But still. You get out of your cast, you want to feel like you're on the road to recovery. He makes no comment, because he's not dumb enough to think there's a right answer to that comment, and he's used to hearing me complain about my ankle.

So THEN I say...I have to go pee (again). I drink about a gallon of water every day and added to that, TODAY The Man is passing me beer to drink while I eat popcorn. (It was movie day). His response: Me too. Because you know I wasn't going to be drinking beer alone.

What that comment turned into? A foot race to see who can get to the bathroom first because even though we have TWO bathrooms, one is closer to the front door, and heaven forbid HE go to the one further away. Luckily for me...I had a head start because he was locking up the car.

Mmm hmm...The road to recovery, with a rest stop in what-the-hell-are-you-thinking? I hear they have great souvenirs there.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Cake CAN get you drunk.

I did it. Yesterday, I made a birthday cake. I couldn't decide. What kind of cake was I going to make? I was going to go to the store, and get some fancy icing, maybe a cake pan, ooohh and some of those sugar crystals to decorate. But. Well, I didn't. I finally based my decision on what I already had on hand. Lemon cake mix. And tequila.

Originally, the plan was to make a cake SHAPED like a patron bottle, because after all it was 1) a party for a grown up and 2) how DO you make a cake with tequila in it, is that even possible?

Well, turns out in the world of internets, ANYTHING is possible! Even a tequila cake. LOL. It was actually called a MARGARITA CAKE, but let's face it...the best thing about a margarita, is the tequila.

So I hoped for the best and used me a brand new, never been tried before recipe for a cake to use THAT SAME EVENING. Yeah, I'm crazy optimistic. And then, because it wasn't good enough to try random recipe, I also dug up a random recipe for icing...made a bunch of changes and used THAT.

The result?
Ta-da! Was it made with real Patron? Oh yeah, only the best. Even in the icing. That I made myself. Yeah, I'm a kick ass baker. It was real, and it was FABULOUS.
The bonus? Didn't have to spend so much on the drinking, because the icing was 80 proof.
Yeah, it was a happy birthday.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Marriage in Real Life

I was over at absolutely bananas and she's got this here writing prompt. Marriage in Real Life. As in, not the picture perfection you trot out for guests. THE REAL THING.

What can I say about being married? I have been married for almost 16 years and the only thing I know is that sometimes it's the little things that keep you going. Being married for as long as I have, I gotta get my kicks somewhere. So where do I get them? Driving my husband crazy.

I'm not a complete jerk. I do like to do things that let him know I was thinking of him. Sounds sweet right? Sounds like maybe I'm gonna feed you a bunch of B.S. about writing him love notes and poetry when he goes away. Umm, no. That is totally I would write him, but I'd send my letter in this envelope:

Can you imagine what kind of fun an envelope that says it's from the Society of Hemorrhoid Sufferers is when you are at war and someone else is passing out the mail? The Man is very secure AND apparently loves me an awful lot to put up with my bullshit.

He would retaliate by sending me porn postcards. To MY MOM'S house for me. Luckily, my mom has a sense of humor. And very rarely picked up the mail.

How could I not love a man who would do something like that?

At about year 5, I would talk to him when he was in the shower. When he least expected it, I would toss a bucket of ice water over the top of the shower stall. And laugh hysterically while he screamed vile curses upon my head. I was never stupid enough to let him in when I took a shower, PLUS only a fool would pour water on a black woman's head. You know how much it costs to get my hair done? TOO. MUCH.

His payback? Jumping out at me when I was coming out of the bathroom first thing in the AM, while I am still 1/2 asleep. Did I mention I pee alot? I pee alot AND I always have to go 1st thing. Even when I KNEW he was out there waiting on me, he would scare a couple of years off my life. JERK.

Although I'm sure these things sound a little bit sadistic, it's nice to know that the little things I do to make me laugh, also reassure me that The Man has not lost his sense of humor. Besides, these are the little things that keep MY marriage going. Every marriage is different, some people like hearts & flowers, and claim they don't have any quirks that drive each other crazy. I'm totally not one of those people. I would much rather know that you love me enough to overlook the fact that I sent you jellybeans, and also spiked the bag with super sour jellybeans, so you never know which one you're gonna get (but I also smuggled smut & liquor in his care package, so maybe that's the REAL reason).

And in return, I gotta be on my toes because right now, is football season, and he is not above tackling me when I least expect it.

So as you can see, I may be driving him crazy, but he is clearly enjoying the ride.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Where I tell you how I'm going to take over the world

With my boobs. Yep, that's how. If this is a "Man's World" then that's all I'm going to need.

Think I'm lying? So far, they've gotten me back stage at concerts, free tickets to a movie premier and they've gotten me out a speeding ticket (hello, Mr. Officer, my eyes are UP HERE). "The Girls" are so popular, I sometimes forget they're with me.

What is it with men & boobs? Is it that they never forget their first meal? Who knows. All I know is that my sparkling wit and pretty face can only get me so far. But the girls can push me right over the top. I once went to a concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Used to be, you could bring in your wine and food and enjoy it inside the venue. It's one of the better things about going there, which is good because the parking is a freakin' NIGHTMARE. Anyways, my guess is, somewhere along the way they decided that depending on the evening's entertainment, perhaps wine bottles weren't a good thing, so they banned it. As in, you have to buy whatever it was they were selling at prices as high as giraffe pussy.

Unfortunately for me, I didn't know that until after me & my friends had stocked up the picnic basket with FOUR bottles of wine and subs and chips and stuff. We take a look at the line to go in and see that the wine nazis are tossing perfectly good bottles of wine. What do we do instead? We decide to drink 2 bottles and just try to smuggle in 2 bottles. The plan? Have the girl with the big boobs razzle dazzle them, so they won't dig as deep in the basket.

Me (slightly smashed): Here's my basket.
Security: Do you have any contraband in there?
Me: If I did, do you think I'd tell you?
Him (NOT looking in the basket, looking at the girls): hehe...I guess you wouldn't.
Me: All I've got are subs & chips, nothing to see here.
Him: Sub & chips, nothing to see here.
Me: That's right. We all done here?
Him (starting to drool): All done here.
Me(batting my eyes, although I'm not sure why, he didn't look at them ONCE): Thank you so very much.

So it turns out, the girls are not only decorative, they can also be used as a hypnotizing device. Which I suppose is good to know, so that when I do start my bid to take over the world, all I need is a really good push up bra, some duct tape and some WD-40. I just kinda threw the WD-40 in there, you never know when something is gonna need lubrication.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

How do I top it?

Last year my friend wanted to go the Saddle Ranch for her birthday. It's a fun place to go hang out, it's got a mechanical bull and very friendly waiters (especially if you've got a table of pretty girls).

Most of our friends got her gift certificates. For clothes, for Bath & Body type stuff, for music. Me, I got her something different. I told her that since she was the baby of our little group, I'd bring the cake. What KIND of cake? This kind:

Yeah. I made her the cute kiddie cake. It involved AirHeads, and JELLO and teddy grahams (oh my!). And let me tell you, it was crazy tasty. I found the recipe in some random magazine, actually, I BOUGHT the magazine because of the picture of this cake on the front, but I never would have thought I'd be making it for a almost 30 year old woman.

So now, it's birthday time again. This year: Lucky Strike Bowling Alley - bowling for adults... this isn't your momma's bowling alley, ladies. And now I have a request for a new birthday cake. That's what I get for being all creative and shit.

So now I gotta figure out what kind of cake to make now. A cake shaped like a bottle of patron? Shaped like a gumball machine? One with sparkles and smoke and mirrors, hell, I dunno. I got a few weeks. Maybe I'll post it once I figure it out. Wish me luck!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Happy Birthday!

Para mi hija de otra madre, feliz cumpleanos, Mija!
(meh, my spanish is not great, but it's good enough for government work)

Don't you love kid's birthday parties? The food, the cake, the tequila...Yep, that's what I said TEQUILA. To be fair though, 1)I went to a Quince, which is, in regular ENGLISH a "coming out" party for a 15 year old . 2)She doesn't get any tequila. That should make you feel better.

My girl friend, in a bid to satisfy the grandparent's guilt trip, threw her daughter a "mini-quinceanera". So there was a Mass and a cook out. No production, as in no choreographed dancing, no ceremonial passing of dolls, and I'm sure more importantly, no thousands of dollars spent on a BIRTHDAY PARTY for goodness' sake.

But when you go to a Mexian cook-out, please be aware. Those old folks like to drink. Oh sure, they look all innocent and harmless, they're calling you quierida (sweetheart), and smiling pretty. And there's soda and water for the kids and everybody else, but really... Tequila is the official drink of a Quince. Maybe it has to do with thought of the girl becoming a woman...? I'm not sure. But I have yet to attend a Quince where there wasn't free flowing tequila. And if I'm going to eat the mystery meat* in tortilla shells, and dance with my girl friend's Tio, I may as well drink, right? Right. And as long as it wasn't Jose (Cuervo, that is. The only Jose I don't like because he is evil and cannot get along with other liquors), I'm in. Quieres tequila? Si, me gusto MUCHO tequila. Pasalo, por favor. shot con la mama, because she was feeling sentimental her baby was growing up. Another shot con el abuelito, because he's so sweet and he offered to bring it to me since I'm still you,know...crippled. And a third shot because somebody was playing one of my favorite songs. And still more shots because mariachi is music to drink to.

And by the time I was left, I was good and borracha (drunk), and singing in spanish. And if that doesn't say Happy Birthday, I don't know what does.

*...and the mystery meat: GOAT. Delicious with salsa and guac.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Thirteen things

Thirteen Things about ME

Well, check Meme Out (hehe..get it?)

1. I love a man in Uniform

2. I got married in Hawaii on the beach, when I was 19 years old. My husband wore his Uniform.

3. I have moved 7 times in the last 15 years. Thank you, Marine Corps.

4. I have NEVER lived overseas, but I have always wanted to live in Spain.

5. Within 6 months, my MIL came to visit me in Hawaii, and stayed for 2 months. I actually enjoyed it because she cooked every day.

6. I hated it too, because I knew she knew I wasn't listening to the radio every night at bedtime.

7. I lived in Boston for 4 years and it was the worst experience of my life. I came *this close* to divorce. In the end though, The Man & I are better people and have a better relationship because of it.

8. I got two of my four tattoos in Boston.

9. I got my first tattoo when I turned 18 in Hollywood, next door to where I used to work. I was a telemarketer, I hated my job, and there were hookers that worked right in front of my building.

10. I got my last tattoo in honor of my MIL who had breast cancer, along with The Man and his sister. We all have the same tattoo.

11. I almost got a tattoo of an autograph of a Rock god. Thank God the tattoo parlor was booked, because alcohol had let my inner fangirl loose and I was too drunk to reign it in.

12. I have the weirdest taste in music of anyone that I know. ZZ Top is performing and I TOTALLY want to see them.

13. I don't love chocolate. But I LOOOOVE candy.

That last one is completely random...I mean, even MORE random than the other stuff, but still true.

You can check out other Thursday Thirteens here

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I'm guilty...

I admit it. I am a total TV Snob. I rarely watch anything that comes on network television. I don't watch America's Next Top Model, So You Think You Can Dance?, or even American Idol.I watch Scrubs...but I only discovered it once it came to TBS.

I watch a lot of movies and watch a lot of cable TV. You know, TNT, USA and HBO. Lots and LOTS of HBO. Especially since they are airing some of my favorite movies, like Hairspray (What gives a girl power & punch..? Is it charm, is it poise? No, it's Hairspray...) I LOVE Musicals. But you know what's been coming on cable a LOT lately? Showgirls. I know, I know. How could I watch Jessie, the smartest girl at Bayside High throw away her education and gamble on the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas to become:
Well at first, I was all This movie still comes on? but then I was like WOW, this movie is even worse than I remember...and I start watch her over dramatic F-bombs, and before I know it, I'm sucked in. I'm watching her painting her nails and kicking Andrew's ass for raping her friend and thinking...hey, isn't that Trey Macdougal, who, coincidentally was in one of my very favorite shows TWIN PEAKS, which I didn't start watching until it went off the air and the boxed set came out.

In my defense, it was around midnight, nothing was really on, and I don't care what anybody says, NORBIT is NOT FUNNY. Unfortunately, my spiral of shame continued. I went on to watch I wanna look like a big giant ASS on TV work for diddy...and because I was too lazy to find some batteries for my remote, I watched New York goes to Hollywood too.:: Hangs head:: I KNOW. I thought you had standards? What happened to Reality TV is for suckers--except for Clean House - I LOVE that show, even though it makes me guilty about living in a pig pen, but whatever. NOBODY is coming in here and selling MY shoes... But I digress. It was like watching a train wreck. It was so bad, I called a friend to tell her that I think I've sunk to a new low and maybe I need intervention.

Thank God for my friend. She brought me NEW MOON, the forth book in the Twilight series. Hopefully, reading a book will make amends for the unnecessary murder of brain cells lost in the watching of late night Cable TV.