Sunday, January 17, 2010

The post where I prove that I am KLASS-AY

Yeah, I really am.

Friday I took The Man to the ESPN zone for drinks with my girlfriends. He LOVES to hang out with them, and he's been the only guy so often that we gave him the nickname "Mr. Bitches" (and I mean that in the least disrespectful way possible. Heh.)

ANYWAYS, we watched the Laker slaughter game against the Clippers (I don't really NEED to say more do I? Fine, I'll say it: Free Tacos!). We decided to leave about 3 minutes before the game ended because a) The Clips were NOT going to make a come back and b) have you ever braved Staple Center traffic? You don't want to. Trust me.

Have I ever mentioned my ever shrinking bladder? And how I ALWAYS have to pee? Yeah, I do. And so, even though I had JUST the time we got to the parking lot, I had to go again. And so...I tell The Man that I have to pee. Again. "Well, you can't go right here," he says...

Except, I can. Because as coincidence would have it, I'd been carrying around one of my Christmas gifts from my cousin. A go-girl. A gift which, I might add, I have been totally excited to use since I got it. I had originally been planning to use it for my next concert because one time I went to a concert, I chose peeing in a cup, to getting in the bathroom line. Srsly.

But he wouldn't let me. Something about us only being 10 minutes from the house...blah blah blah...Why can't I just hold it...yakety smakety...I mean, I was even wearing a SKIRT for goodness sake! It would have been super-easy. I was all excited because it was the PERFECT TIME TO TRY IT OUT!

Mr. Spoil-All-My-Fun shoved me in the car, and made me hold it until I got home.

And on the way home, I told him that if I could have a penis for a day I would get head (because really? I need to understand why men act like they can't live without blowjobs AND why you can pretty much bring a man to his knees by getting on yours) and I would write my name on the ground. Heh.

Well. I'll never know know what it's like to get a blow job, but I did learn what it was like to pee standing up.

What? Did you REALLY think I wasn't going to use it anyways? I mean, it was the PRINCIPLE. Also, it's the best thing ever, and I called up my sister AND my cousin and told the whole world how awesome it was.

Please believe that I washed it and wrestled it back into it's carrying case this morning, and I'm putting it BACK in my purse. Because even though I am PLANNING to use this for the next concert venue with shitty bathrooms, I may have another PERFECT OPPORTUNITY...and I wouldn't want to be caught with my pants down, now would I?

Monday, January 11, 2010

What I do when I miss phone calls

...from people who are calling me from another freakin' country.

I send e-mails.

Hey, Girlie!
  1. Missed you, again! Drat. I tried to pick up my phone and hit END instead of TALK, and since you didn’t call back….
  2. I went to my cousin's birthday dinner where this happened.
  3. In other news, I’m a CONE and my sister, an hourglass (duh.)
  4. I guess the working out is working because
    • I look slimmer in my clothes, but
    • Because I’m PMS’ing I’ve been eating lots of junk all weekend and so,
    • The numbers on the scale have NOT moved at all, except up, BUT
    • I’m sure at the end of my cycle, they will have gone down significantly
  5. Today is The Man's Bday, so I “wished him a happy birthday” instead of going to the gym, which also made me late for work. 
  6. I went to Mo’s house this weekend, where she gave the Brat a shit ton of clothes from her niece who apparently only wears things once or twice before moving on to new clothes.
    • Also WTF is up with skirts so tiny that I'm pretty sure they cover NOTHING?! If you need to wear leggings under them to make sure your twat isn't being exposed, what you really need is a LONGER SKIRT. #justsayin
    • And yes, you know I vetoed any item that made the baby's ass hang out.
    • Not that I had to because Mo was already all "ix-nay on the ooty-bay orts-shay"
  7. While I was there I realized the Brat is REALLY TINY because after eating 4 slices of pizza and mojo potatoes, she tried on a pair of size 0 shorts OVER HER JEANS  and they fit (I also realized that I hate Brat a little bit…LOL).
Soo, how was your weekend? How's the hubs? Did he get to see the Ravens get with the Pats?

And yes, I really did send out this e-mail (added a few things, but she'll visit here and she'll recognize her e-mail). So. How was YOUR weekend? Do anything interesting?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

One small step

I am horrible at making resolutions. I think maybe it has a lot to do with expectations. Yeah, I want to lose weight this year. Do I want to say that I’ve only got 12 months to do it? Nope. I’ll even tell you why: Because I get all intimidated… like that time I had a 64oz water bottle. That’s how much water you’re supposed to drink a day, BUT if I put it all in one big bottle like that, I’ll never finish it. HOWEVER, if I use a smaller water bottle…say…32 oz..I’ll probably refill it more than once. Baby steps, my friends. Don’t underestimate them.

I need to look at it in terms of what I need to do to accomplish my goals. (GOALS. Not RESOLUTIONS) Plans, and project management. Should be easy enough, I do plenty of that on the job, I should be able to apply to my life, right? I may not be able to make a resolution, but I can make a "To Do" list like a motherfucker.

My Steps?

Buying more veggies and fresh fruit --> healthier eating -->healthier me

Signing up for couch to 5K program --> going to the gym more often (+ healthier eating) -->losing weight
(should I apologize NOW for what is sure to be random blogging about how big my ass has gotten and/or OMG, why am I so out of breath on the treadmill and/or My legs, I can’t feel them?)

Returning to Church -->improving myself spiritually (in theory. NO, I’m not saying *YOU* have to attend Church to be spiritual, I’m saying that *I* attend church to be fed spiritually, and at least *that* is the kind of feeding that won’t make you fat. ALSO? Will this mean I can’t say “fuck” anymore?)--> not going to hell

Make a budget so that I can stop spending so much G.D. money on shit I don’t need or at least see WTF it's going -->more money to pay for bills --> less debt --> more money to save --> money to buy a house Added bonus? More money in my pocket!

I’m a work in progress. My baby steps will turn into full fledged steps. Just picture me as Rocky and I’m running up those steps and…. Ah, hell…this is gonna be me:

(Except I'd be wearing nicer work out clothes, and I don't have a dog, also it doesn't snow here, but you get the general idea, right?)

And on that, I am resolute.