I guess it's an educational crapshoot

So today, I got THE call. The call that said the girl got into the school that I had been trying to get her into since she started middle school. I had been trying to get the brat into a magnet program since we moved back to California. She tested gifted, but, in the way of all schools in my district, they didn't have space for her.


So I did what most parents whose local schools are little more than daycares with books, mixed with gang violence do: I used a friend's address to get into a better school district. The brat's school is more than I could have hoped for: It's a California distinguished school, it's got an excellent curriculum, a music program, a theatre program, sports and other completely RANDOM extra-curricular activities. But (and it's a big BUT...even bigger than mine) it's FAR. FAR far away. AND she loves it there.


And because she does, I drive 25 miles AWAY from the direction that I go to work to take her to school, and then drive ANOTHER 20 miles to my place of employment. It's a long and boring trip, even if it IS along the beach. She takes the local bus home and I worry every single day until she calls me to let me know that she's made it. I've gotten off early, so that I could be there for plays, concerts and softball games. I've begged family members to pick her up early when she's gotten sick. I was so excited when school ended this year, I took the day off, just to remind myself what it was like not to have to drive her anywhere at the crack of dawn and then have to rush off to work.



Now....NOW they want to tell me that she's been accepted. Now that she's in her GRADUATING year, and she's got friends that she loves, a rhythm for school work and homework and she's EXCITED about the upcoming year....you tell me "Congratulations, even though you've been begging to get her in here for 2 years now, and she was smart enough the whole flippin' time, and now that she's comfortable where she is, we'd like to rip her from her school and friends to graduate with a bunch of strangers."



I wanted her to go to this school. I did. It's a good school, they've got a good program. But (there's that but again), what kind of heartless mom would I be to put her in this school to graduate? She's got her BFF, her plan to learn french, and her senior trip to look forward to. It would suck big fat ones to have to make new friends (the magnet school does NOT offer french and there would be no trip). To be honest, the only REAL difference is that the magnet school comes with a school bus. It's not even a BETTER school than the school she attends, in fact, her CURRENT school is better - they've got school books. Books for home, books for school, books! Books so that she doesn't have to drag home her body weight in a backpack. No photocopied pages because LA Unified is too cheap to buy more books. Which is probably not the case in the Magnet Program, but you get the picture.

Anyways, as much as I'd like to say eff it and let her be bussed to school, I just can't do it. I really just applied this last time because of habit. I would much rather her start a new school when she's got to start a new school (*gulp* HIGH SCHOOL) and not just at some random moment. She deserves to finish where she started..she's done 6th and 7th..she may as well get all the fanfare that goes along with graduating there. So I called the magnet school and said (not without some disgust), "Thank you, but no thank you."

Welllll....I can try again next year once she hits high school. Maybe THIS TIME, instead of blowing me off, she will get accepted right away and I can stop paying a 100 million dollars in gas carting her around and sleep an extra hour in the morning...and also maybe I will wake up having lost 30 lbs miraculously, have the cure for cancer, win the Nobel Peace Prize AND the Mega Millions.

It's probably got the same odds.

Random and Ridiculousness

True Stories of what happens to me at work

Heard while sitting in on a meeting:

MD: It's official, I'm an asshole.

Other staff: What happened?

MD: So, I see the patient's name, and I'm all.... you know that's a singer's name too right?
"I fell down in a burning ring of fire..."
That was before I saw the prognosis...He pretty much is.
I guess I should have looked before I jumped
resumes singing.... "through the ring of fire.... the ring of fire..."
clears throat...Sorry. I just really like that song.

I guess sometimes, when you see so much sadness, you have to make your jokes where you can. (Just next time, if you're going to make inappropriate jokes, save them for the staff meetings like everybody else)

OUCH

So today I got my weekly Sephora e-mail (because I love shoes, but I love make up too) and this weeks theme: Hair removal. They had this:

Which apparently burns the hair off..painlessly. But it's not cheap. But then really, if you're trying to get rid of hair, is CHEAP the main requirement? And then they had:

Looked a little scary. I'm sure it was ALSO painless, but...well..it came with too many parts. What exactly do you need SIX attachments for? What are you doing down there? Trimming it in the shape of topiary animals? And then there was....

This. A self waxing kit. I will admit: I can pop out babies almost painlessly. I can get several tattoos without breaking into a cold sweat. But I flinch every.single.time I get my brows waxed. And I have to do SOMETHING. I don't want to look like I have a catapillar trying to grow into a butterfly ON MY FACE. But doing it myself? Ripping the hair off my face or *gulp* OTHER parts?! I shudder to think. All I can picture is me STARTING the job, and then, being unable to finish (because it's hard to rip the wax off while my eyes are closed and I am screaming), have to go to a PROFESSIONAL to finish because I can't just LEAVE it like that (you know, like that time you tried to dye your hair blonde and it came out some weird greenish color so you went to your friend the beautician to fix the horrible job you did and after she stopped laughing, she turned you into a very pretty brunette...??). Like that. Only worse. And what exactly are you going to SAY to the waxing lady when you explain THAT? And will she be able to stop laughing long enough to fix it? Something to think about, wouldn't you say?

and finally...

So for about two weeks, I've been using the bathroom less travelled at work because I am a germophobe, but I am a germophobe who drinks a lot of water. At first, I thought maybe some random patient put it in the bathroom. But why? Patients usually use the hallway restroom or sometimes random patient may even use the restroom in the front office(my office space is not patient-care). You almost have to KNOW about the bathroom that I use to even find it. But it's still there. First it was by the toilet seat covers, then it was under the toilet..and now...now it's on top of the paper towel dispenser. I'm tracking it all over the bathroom and it's driving me crazy:

Can somebody PLEASE tell me why there are BABY WIPES in the bathroom at work?

Open Letter

Dear Mr. Too Lazy to Take your Kid to the Doctor,

You know your Doctor's office called me 10 minutes before I left work and BEGGED to schedule your 3 year olds STAT outpatient test for tomorrow. And then told me at the last minute to tell me you would be paying CASH. (I know this is hard to believe, but nobody wants you paying cash in a hospital, we would much rather bill the crap out of your insurance).

Why would you call me to tell me you are in San Diego today and don't want to come in tomorrow?Because you thought about it, and he's not sick enough to drive alllll the way back even though your doctor wants this done ASAP? Because it would ruin your good time? Because you are a giant JERK? What do you mean, "are we open Saturday?" Yes we are, but only if you are admitted as a patient, which may happen if you don't do what your doctor says.

I'll bet you called your doctor up and worried him hairless talking about how sick your kid is and how he needs to be seen RIGHT NOW. Well RIGHT NOW is here, and you are woefully unprepared. RIGHT NOW, instead of bringing your ass down here to take care of business, you decided it's not worth cutting your trip short, and so I'll bet you even though I had to call in a favor to schedule this test, I bet your raggedy tail won't even show up and then you will call the doctor back and insist that they call me back and reschedule for Monday and I'm sure you'll take any time that we have available...as long as it's convenient for you.

I don't know if anybody has ever told you this, having kids is not always convenient. Sometimes, instead of partying hardy, you have to take sick kids to the hospital, even if you are in San Diego.

I hope that while you are in San Diego, you go to the Wild Animal Park. I hope that they have a bee exhibit that goes horribly wrong and that every bee in a 20 mile radius sees you as nectar from the heavens, and stings the crap out of you. AND I hope you have a severe, but not life threatening allergic reaction that lands you in the hospital. Then maybe while you're in ER trying to recover, they'll take your kid up and get his test done.

JERK.

Fantasy Friday

This morning I woke up here at this BEAUTIFUL RESORT:




I was rested and relaxed to the bones from the TWO HOUR MASSAGE I had gotten the night before. The weather was wonderful, the water was warm, and I contemplated a morning swim before breakfast.





It was quiet and lovely. And I was so happy for my vacation. Who doesn't like to get away? More importantly, who wouldn't want to get away to THAT? I read a trashy novel by the pool, and wait staff made sure that I was never thirsty or too hot (gotta love those spritzers).


Afterwards, I took a nap and then went shopping where I bought




because I.LOVE.SHOES.












And then my phone rang. And woke me up. DAMN. So I was dreaming. But it was a nice dream. :) The only thing that was missing was These guys .

But I guess that's okay. Because even though the phone disrupted my beautiful fantasy, I just rolled over & went back to sleep. No work today, and no rushing the brat off to school (FINALLY. School is out!)

And I did get those shoes. Did I mention how much I love shoes?

10 things I hate about YOU

An Ode to why I hate elevators...

I hate the way that people act
to just be in your presence...
We've got ELEVEN other elevators banks
is time THAT much of the essence?

I hate the way that people stampede on
I can't even get myself OFF first...
There is no freakin' fire, people
Haven't you heard of manners, JERKS?!

I hate the cell phone talkers
all loud with no propriety...
Don't you know it's not polite
to discuss your threesome among regular society?

And doctors who act like they're alone
while they discuss their patients
You know that is against the rules...
I am not invisible, and yes, I hate you too.

I hate you, too much perfume wearer
riding in this teeny tiny crate
My eyes and nose are swelling up
Who still wears Jean Nate?!

And YOU, Mr. Crusty McSickyface here on the 6th Floor
I want to kick your ass
We're in a mother fucking HOSPITAL...
Why didn't you get a mask?!

Why do you have to stand so close, stranger?
All in my personal space...
It's just you & me in this elevator
Don't make me use my mace.

Or do we ALL have to pile in together
like some frat boys in a telephone booth...
I think somebody's touching my ass
and I'm pretty sure I lost my shoe.

I HATE you Perv that works here
stop staring at my tits!
They do not talk, or do fancy tricks...
and I'm getting ready to lose my shit!

I hate you asshole solo rider
trying to push the button to close
I managed to get on ANYWAY
so FUCK YOU.

Yes, I know that last one didn't rhyme at all
that doesn't make it less true...
Instead of lowering myself to mean & angry glares
I need to find a different route




(Okay, I feel better now.)

Hard to believe I'm somebody's mother

People are always surprised to hear that I have kids. Sometimes, I guess it's because (so they say) that I look so young, but mostly I think it's because they think I am too childish myself to have children. I personally don't think so, I just like to embrace the things that I am still young enough to do/enjoy. But either way, it's not like I have to pass some kind of Maturity Test before you can start having brats. If you don't believe me, just ask Jamie Lynn Spears (ooooh, hello pot! I'm kettle)

But I digress. Even though my brats were happy accidents/surprises, I really REALLY enjoy them. The Boy is mostly grown, so my work is mostly done. Now all I can do is pray that all the things I've said/done haven't damaged him too much. Hardy har. The brat is old enough that I can do more with her and take her more places. I will even cop to enjoying watching Teletubbies with her, but I don't miss it now that she's moved on..some of these tween shows are freakin hysterical. And I do try to keep a firm lid on watching TV that is age appropriate (so no Sex & the City, or Real World for that one).

It's also a strange experience for me too. I had my kids so young, that I've done a lot of my growing up with them in the background. My college years also included some wild parties, and heavy drinking...but also diaper duty, and parties that I couldn't go to because I didn't have a babysitter. And even back then, some days I was calling out of work because the boy was sick and I - 19 year old me - had to take him to the pediatrician. It was weird having all that responsibility so young, but still fun. Mostly. It's NOT fun when you want to do something that all of your friends are doing, but YOU can't...or even knowing that before you would just quit a job because you wanted to, but now you know you need that job 'cause baby need a new pair a shoes (and I'm not talking about the crap table in Vegas). But it IS fun to watch your baby grow, even though you are still kind of a baby yourself...and it's fun to be young enough to want to get out there and play just as hard as your kiddo..and you've kind of got yourself a built in playmate, at least for a while.

Now, I'm sort of in between. The brat is older, we do more stuff...but she also does more stuff without Mommy now. That leaves me with more free time to be ME again, and not just mommy. I know what do with SOME of that time (when the man is home and the brat is at a sleepover), but the rest is sort of....odd. The man and I have starting dating again, a little bit. We've been MomandDad for so long, it's kind of nice to hang out as Me and Him again. I've picked up doing some of the things that I liked to do...hanging out with my girlfriends more, going to the movies. And some of things that I never got the chance to do when I was younger for various reasons, like going to concerts...and I have to say, this one I didn't know I would love so much. I have been to 6 concerts THIS year and I can't wait to see ColdPlay in July!

I think I may have a handle on keeping it balanced. This weekend, the brat had a soccer tournament all weekend. It was great! They played hard - they lost, but they played better than I've ever seen them play in this whole year of soccer. It was in another part of the city, and the weather was beautiful, so after the game we went to the beach and had a picnic.

And then after that, I went to EroticaLA (still in my beachwear), and bought an assload of toys & accessories & porn, oh my!

This Thursday, is the brat's last day of school. Her friend is having a sleepover Friday because it's her birthday.

Hehehe...Yeah, I think this being Me thing again is going to work out.