I really hope this doesn't mean I have daddy issues

My dad was pretty strict.

I have NO IDEA why he was. I say WAS because now that he's got grandkids all of a sudden he's not a shouter or a spanker or a EAT EVERYTHING OFF YOUR PLATE OR YOU'RE GOING TO BED-er. Now he's all mellow, and cool with the fact that the boy won't eat potatoes (not even french fries) and the girl won't drink milk. (WTF?)

That's not actually what this story is about though. It's about how how my dad was SUPER STRICT, and would practically time our walk home and give us the 3rd degree if we got home 4 minutes later than we usually did, and how he complained that our skirts were too short and our pants were too tight, and one time made me return a purple mini-dress because he claimed it was too little and no daughter of his was going to school with her butt hanging out, even though I promised to wear shorts under it.

I was not my Dad's biggest fan growing up. Clearly he was fashion backwards. And when he & my mom separated, I bought a bazillion minis and wore them to school every day. Unless I was wore colored skinny jeans. And rest assured, I was a skinny girl, wearing even skinnier jeans.

Let's flash forward 20-ish years shall we?

The Man? Never does one lick of shopping for the girl. EVER. I buy the shoes, the jeans, the gym clothes. I buy the colored socks, and even the inappropriate sloganed t-shirts. I come home, show him everything I bought...and all I get for my troubles is an "oh, that's nice."

Until today. Today it was 90 degrees. IN NOVEMBER. I KNOW, right? It felt like I was living on the surface of the sun. So this morning, after the warning that it was going to be a thousand degrees, The Brat tossed on a tank and a pair of shorts. It should be noted that since Mama doesn't want her baby's cooch to be showing,  I make EXTRA SPECIAL CARE to make sure none of her shorts will let this happen. Also? I've seen the shorts the girls wear at her school, her shorts are long pants in comparison.

I see her before I leave for work, I say "Make sure you put on a jacket. It's cold in the mornings"

My husband sees her before he takes her to the bus stop and says "Why isn't the baby wearing any clothes? I don't want her prancing around school half naked....blah blah blah....all you girls ever want to wear are teeny tiny shorts blah blah extra tight pants blah blah....(did he just say get off my lawn?)"

I stop listening, because I was transported to my father complaining about mini-skirts....

When did The Man turn into MY DAD?

If he tries to make me clean my room, there is going to be T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

STILL Not Ready - The First Day of High School edition

Me: Brat, you ready?
Brat: I’m ready.

Me: ....Really?

Brat: Okay, lemme get my phone.

Me: Now?

Brat: Oh oh… mama, I need a jacket.

Me: Are you fucking kidding me? It’s one THOUSAND degrees out there
...and it’s only 6AM.

Brat: It might get cold. THE BUS gets cold.

Me: …sigh. NOW? I still have to drop you off so I can go to work, you know.

Brat: Did you sign all my school stuff?

Me: YES. Jesus, girl, are you ready now?

Brat: Yes. I’m ready.

My baby, her first day of High School

*sigh* I'm not.

F My Life

This morning I caught The Boy in bed with his half-naked girlfriend. HALF-naked because I timed *my bust in the door* perfectly. Fuck me right in the ass why don’t you, Karma? (Just because I once slept over to the THEN boyfriend's -now husband- and his Mom found me sleeping in the bed did not mean that *I* needed to have the same experience. REALLY)

My son, who has been home all of 3 months, is driving me insane. He moved up north because his girlfriend is going to school there he says he loved it so much that he wanted to live there and go to school even though:
1. He’d never even HEARD of it until his girlfriend took him up there to look at her school
2. He had no job
3. Or a place to stay
4. AND his parents are not rich

And since he STILL didn't have a job, and the friend with whom he'd been staying told him he needed to start paying rent, he decided to come home. Because I really did mean it when I said I’m not going to pay MY rent AND yours.

He came home, still not sure what he wants to do. Then we had a "I realize that college may not be for everyone, but if you DON'T go to school, then you sure as hell better get a job because you are not going to sit around the house playing your guitar all day and eating everything in the fridge" conversation.

I even told him that I know it’s hard to live WITH your parents once you haven’t, and so I’m not going spanking you about curfew (although, nothing is really open after 2AM in L.A. except legs, and I can’t have a boy with no job getting somebody pregnant, so do the math), and you’re too old for me to have to tell you what NOT to do. OR SO I THOUGHT.

I went to bed early because it’s my verb, but was startled awake because I hear doors opening & closing and while I’m lying there trying to decide if I should panic and wake The Man NOW or wait until some burglar bursts into our room and tries to kill me, I realize it’s The Boy trying to be all sneaky sneaky. And now that I’m awake, I have to pee. I notice that’s just a little past midnight, so I’m guessing The Boy thinks that everyone is sleeping and that his girlfriend is probably still here. So I give it a few more minutes and decide to scare them both and did I ever.

All I said was..."Really?"
If I'm going to be honest (and I am), I really wish I had a camera, because the look on that poor girl's face was HYSTERICAL and I wanted to laugh out loud, but I didn't. I'm sure she'd never been so embarrassed in her life, and that made me feel slightly better.

Then I said... "So, I'm assuming you know what to do now, right?"
Which she obviously did, because then she got dressed quick-fast and in a hurry.

But because I am totally about making sure You've Learned Your Lesson, I was waiting in the Living Room to making sure they both understood:

THE PARENTS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GET TO FUCK UNDER THIS ROOF

That's right. In Bold. All Caps.

If you want to get laid, you get a hotel room, sneak back to HER parents house, have sex in the backseat of her car, but not here. NEVER here. And yes, I really did say that.

Why can't they just stay cute little babies forever? Gah...

Can I have an epiphany at 7AM? Can I even spell it?

So last week, I was asked to go to happy hour with my co-workers to celebrate a birthday. I said sure, but I couldn’t stay very long because I had an exam the next day. It was fun, I had a couple of drinks and some spinach dip (Boy, do I love spinach dip), and I was home pretty early.

That next day, which was a SATURDAY, I woke up around 6:45 to be at school by 7:15. In the morning. You know I just rolled out of bed and put on the closest thing (pajama pants) and a pair of flip flops. What? Anyways, as I’m standing in the most ridiculous line EVER that didn’t involve music or liquor or BOTH, I think it hit me.

I am A STUDENT. Not just any ol’ undeclared student, I’m a student who is going to graduate next year. To be honest with you, I think maybe I freaked out a little bit. That was quite the revelation for not even 8AM. Which is probably a little weird since it’s not like once I graduate, I’m going to have to go out and look for a good paying job. Luckily, I’ve already got one of those. Although, I wouldn’t knock a BETTER paying job, which actually I’ll get too. My employer gives you an automatic pay raise when you get a degree. Oh, the joys of academia! Maybe it was just the realization that I FINALLY made up my mind, and I’m going to finish something that I started a long time ago. I’m going to have a DEGREE in something. I know everything there is to know about my major. (Did I just go too far? Hmm).

I guess I just got comfortable saying I’m going to go back to school. I let work and kids and all the other things going on in my life provide me with excuses. I’m too busy, who’s going to baby-sit, too expensive…Not that these aren’t all valid reasons. But when I can pull a few hundred dollars out of my ass anytime somebody says let’s go to Vegas, I’m probably not as broke as you’d think. And of course, maybe I was a little scared to return after all these years. What if I can’t hang? What if it really IS too hard? What if it’s too much?

Then all the stars aligned and The Man is going to retire next month, so SOMEBODY will be home while I’m spending late nights at school. The Big Fancy Hospital where I work paid my tuition and I just got tired of WANTING to go back to school, and just WENT. Even better? Just got an A on my accounting exam. So it turns out, I haven’t forgotten everything I’ve learned.

It’s hard to have so much to do. Work, school, kids, husband (or should I include him in kids?). Homework, studying for exams, soccer practices, random teen-ager stuff…But I’ll make it work, because even though it keeps me very busy, I’m pretty determined to see this through to the very end.

Wow. I feel a little bit like a grown up. Maybe I’ll go balance my checkbook or something. Ugh. Or maybe not.

Still. Not Ready

This is my babygirl, aka The Brat. Ok...Actually THAT is how I picture her. That’s not really how she is. SIGH. This is The Brat, circa 2008

(Halloween party. Yeah, she's a goth something or other...Yeah, she had to wear a shirt under that there outfit because HELLO? she's 12)

I don’t really miss the baby days. I do look back fondly of the new baby smell and the cuddles and the cute baby outfits. But I don’t really miss the changing wet diapers, OMG I don’t have a babysitter, what the hell did she just put in her mouth?! days. I miss THESE days:

5 years old (First Day of School, Boston)

7 years old (Downtown Boston, day on the town with Daddy)

8 years old (Renaissance Faire, Canton, Mass)...Wait. I don't miss this. We still do this every year, just different State.

Anyways, my point is..I miss THOSE days. Those days are the I still want my mommy sometimes days. It's sort of double-edged. You can't wait for them to get older and become more independent.... until they get older and become independent.

11 years old (random event, So. California)

Time is NOT on your side, ladies & gentlemen. These babies we have grow up and start kindergarten and middle school and hanging out with their friends at the mall and not needing you as much to hold their hands for the little things. And I’m NOT looking forward to holding her hands through the BIG things: 1st boyfriends, 1st dates, 1st heartbreaks, 1st TIME (*screaming on the inside* I can’t believe I just said that! But I have to keep it real. Even when I don’t want to)

What brought all this on? Why am I having a minor meltdown about The Brat/Teenager getting older?

This week, I received this

She’s going to High School. And I’m totally NOT ready. Why can’t she just stay like this forever?

9 years old (Knotts Berry Farm, CA)

SO not fair.

Still not ready

So I’ve mentioned before I’ve got a teenager. I’ve actually got TWO, The Boy is 18ish now; but the girl…The Brat has graduated from a TWEEN, to a real-live, fire breathing teenager. I’m kidding about the fire-breathing, except when she’s on her period. But then so am I, and I’ve had lots more practice breathing fire during that time of the month, so I’m not so scared of that.

(I’m scared of THIS, though…She sent this to me. She is well aware her mama is freaked out by eyeball pictures. I feel like they’re staring DIRECTLY AT ME. The subject of this small time terrorism disguised as picture mail? Boo.)

But I’m slightly scared of her growing up. After all, I was quite a handful as a teenager. I would never deny it. And she…well, she gets it from her mama. LOL. The sassy mouth, smarts, she is even MY SIZE at that age – except for the hips. I never had a pair of hips until I started having babies. Good Lawd, my baby has baby makin’ hips. I worry about her starting high school NEXT YEAR (can anybody hear me screaming on the inside?)… I worry about boys, and wrong choices, and growing up too fast…

Yesterday, she says Mommy, can me & my friends go to see Twilight after school on Wednesday? Then we can go for sushi or pizza at the mall. Now, I was ALLL excited to see Twilight myself. In fact, I was actually thinking of going to a midnight showing tonight/tomorrow morning (I never can figure that out). Anyhoots, I told my sister…Nah, I won’t do that because I’ll have to take The Brat this weekend. No point in going twice, right? Well. Fooled me. Miss thing made plans WITHOUT me. No sooner than I start thinking she’s growing up, she gets into the car singing this:



Veggie Tales! We used to watch this together when she was 5 or 6 years old. She LOVED to sing silly songs with Larry. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I know that it was just a glimpse of the baby she used to be, but still. It’s comforting to know my baby is still there and she remembers spending time with her mommy.

Now if I can just block out her singing along to Soulja boy .

I am NOT ready

I took the brat to register for school the other day. I was inappropriately excited, and a little sad. My baby girl is growing up. She will be graduating this year from the 8th grade. And I have to admit that the thought of her going to high school makes me wicked nervous (I most certainly DO remember my high school days and to say I was a handful would be the understatement of the em-effing CENTURY).

Anyways, I remember when she was in Kindergarten, and she was broken hearted when she found out that when she graduated to 1st grade, her teacher wasn't going to be there with her. She had a strange affinity for dresses (which she most certainly DID NOT get from me), to the point that when she was 3, she didn't even OWN pants of any kind because she would not wear them. At all. My baby. Weird even then.

Now, she's all jeans, all the time. She gets her period (lucky, LUCKY me). She goes to the movies & the mall with her friends (and a chaperone...she's 12, not 15), and she's got boobs!

But she's somewhere in the middle. Some little girl left, with just enough teenager thrown in to make me want to punch her in the eye sometimes. These last few days, her cousins have been here at the house because, well...because they can be and I'm not back at work yet. I've been listening to them giggle and discuss the Jonas brothers, the twilight movie, and blah blah blah.

This morning, she woke up EXTRA early...and since everyone else was still sleeping, she got in the bed with me and we watched cartoons until we fell back asleep.

This AFTERNOON, she was reading Rolling Stone (The Jo Bros were on the cover) and she says to me:

Brat: Mommy, have you ever played beer pong?
Me: No, I don't like beer THAT much. I don't even know how it's played.
Brat: It's like ping pong, except you put cups on the sides of the ping pong table and you try to get the ball in the cups, and if you do, that person has to drink the beer.
Me (on the inside): WTF?!
Me (on the outside): Well, what the hell?! How do you know that? Aren't you a little YOUNG for drinking games?
Brat: Mommy, I know I'm not old enough to drink. They have a picture of it in the magazine. (Points it out to me)
Me: I have to ask. I don't have time to be taking to you AA meetings. It will interfere with your soccer practice.

I am SO unprepared for this.

Hard to believe I'm somebody's mother

People are always surprised to hear that I have kids. Sometimes, I guess it's because (so they say) that I look so young, but mostly I think it's because they think I am too childish myself to have children. I personally don't think so, I just like to embrace the things that I am still young enough to do/enjoy. But either way, it's not like I have to pass some kind of Maturity Test before you can start having brats. If you don't believe me, just ask Jamie Lynn Spears (ooooh, hello pot! I'm kettle)

But I digress. Even though my brats were happy accidents/surprises, I really REALLY enjoy them. The Boy is mostly grown, so my work is mostly done. Now all I can do is pray that all the things I've said/done haven't damaged him too much. Hardy har. The brat is old enough that I can do more with her and take her more places. I will even cop to enjoying watching Teletubbies with her, but I don't miss it now that she's moved on..some of these tween shows are freakin hysterical. And I do try to keep a firm lid on watching TV that is age appropriate (so no Sex & the City, or Real World for that one).

It's also a strange experience for me too. I had my kids so young, that I've done a lot of my growing up with them in the background. My college years also included some wild parties, and heavy drinking...but also diaper duty, and parties that I couldn't go to because I didn't have a babysitter. And even back then, some days I was calling out of work because the boy was sick and I - 19 year old me - had to take him to the pediatrician. It was weird having all that responsibility so young, but still fun. Mostly. It's NOT fun when you want to do something that all of your friends are doing, but YOU can't...or even knowing that before you would just quit a job because you wanted to, but now you know you need that job 'cause baby need a new pair a shoes (and I'm not talking about the crap table in Vegas). But it IS fun to watch your baby grow, even though you are still kind of a baby yourself...and it's fun to be young enough to want to get out there and play just as hard as your kiddo..and you've kind of got yourself a built in playmate, at least for a while.

Now, I'm sort of in between. The brat is older, we do more stuff...but she also does more stuff without Mommy now. That leaves me with more free time to be ME again, and not just mommy. I know what do with SOME of that time (when the man is home and the brat is at a sleepover), but the rest is sort of....odd. The man and I have starting dating again, a little bit. We've been MomandDad for so long, it's kind of nice to hang out as Me and Him again. I've picked up doing some of the things that I liked to do...hanging out with my girlfriends more, going to the movies. And some of things that I never got the chance to do when I was younger for various reasons, like going to concerts...and I have to say, this one I didn't know I would love so much. I have been to 6 concerts THIS year and I can't wait to see ColdPlay in July!

I think I may have a handle on keeping it balanced. This weekend, the brat had a soccer tournament all weekend. It was great! They played hard - they lost, but they played better than I've ever seen them play in this whole year of soccer. It was in another part of the city, and the weather was beautiful, so after the game we went to the beach and had a picnic.

And then after that, I went to EroticaLA (still in my beachwear), and bought an assload of toys & accessories & porn, oh my!

This Thursday, is the brat's last day of school. Her friend is having a sleepover Friday because it's her birthday.

Hehehe...Yeah, I think this being Me thing again is going to work out.