So, your kid is sick...

I'm not trying to be a jerk. REALLY.


But. If your kid is sick, TAKE HIM TO HIS PEDIATRICIAN. Let the GD DOCTOR decide if she/he is sick enough to see a Specialist and IF IT IS A MOTHER FUCKING EMERGENCY. This is why they are the damn doctors. Unless you are actually a physician, there's a pretty good chance your Pediatrician knows his shit*, and won't steer you wrong.

Sometimes, your Pediatrician does want you to see a Specialist. But not RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Believe me when I say, if your Pediatrician wants your precious to be seen toute-de-motherfucking-suite, he will get his ass on the phone and make some phone calls to make sure this happens. 

IF, however, your kid has had some sort of oozing rash for going on 6 weeks, and hasn't even seen his Pediatrician, AND the only reason that HE MUST BE SEEN RIGHT NOW, is because you are going on vacation TOMORROW? We will   judge you not treat you as an emergency.

*****

Okay, so your Pediatrician agrees/announces: You should make an appointment to see a Specialist. I know...this is your baby and now that you know you need to make an appointment, you want to get this over with as SOON as possible. So, not really an emergency, but who really wants a doctor's appointment looming in the distance right?

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but doctor appointments, far and wide, are rarely convenient. You can usually have the DAY you want, or the TIME you want, but not both. This is a universal truth. 

Sometimes you get lucky. They have the elusive perfect day/time. (This is as rare as one of those good hair days where you just sorta combed it out and everybody kept asking did you get your hair done because it looks THAT. DAMN. GOOD.) But more often, they will not. Try to be flexible. You can't expect for them have an appointment for you the same day you call. Some Specialists only see patients on certain days, so they book up quickly. SOMETIMES THEY CAN SQUEEZE YOU IN ON A RANDOM DAY. SOMETIMES THEY CAN'T. Work with them boys and girls. They're doing the best they can. REALLY.

If you feel that this cannot wait, because your baby boy/girl is SICK! ACTION MUST BE TAKEN IMMEDIATELY!! And the Specialist is unable/unwilling to DROP EVERYTHING (Other patients, obligations and the like) to see to your VERY SICK KID (your emphasis, not your Pediatrician's), go to the Emergency Room. THIS IS WHY HOSPITALS HAVE THEM. For Emergencies.

Maybe they just really can't see your kid today. FOR WHATEVER REASON. Maybe, their assistant has already tried sweet talking them into seeing them anyways, even though we know they don't have the time, because Mom is crying and/or hysterical and baby is screeching in the background making us feel EVEN MORE GUILTY that we can't squeeze you in. Maybe.

We're all people here, folks. We actually ARE here to help,  AND a lot of us have kids, AND we know how it is to have sicky mcbabyface coughing/snotting up/feverish/puking/fill-in-the-gross-thing-oozing-from-your-kid's-orifice-here.

You know what DOESN'T help? Giving the person who is trying to help you the business because we can't kick some kid out of their appointment date they've had for month, because you have decided that your kid's sick > some other kid's sick.

Also? It makes you look like an asshole. I'm just sayin'



*YES. There are exceptions to every rule. If  your Pediatrician  DOESN'T know his ass from a hole in the ground, WHY IS THIS PERSON TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILD?! If you just disagree and think this is truly an emergency (yes, this bears repeating), Emergency Room. Go there.


** This was a post that was SUPPOSED to go up on Thursday, after being bitched out by a parent who clearly had no concept that everything in the world did not revolve around them and what was convenient FOR THEM. Clearly it did not.


*** But. I can almost guarantee that a parent is going to call Monday FIRST THING insisting that their darling be seen RIGHT NOW because they've been ON DEATH'S DOOR since Friday. But not sick enough to go to the Emergency Room. So. Still. THIS.


****Also? I work for Specialists. Which means that we are NOT the first call. We will ALWAYS ask if you've contacted your Pediatrician. NOT BECAUSE WE'RE ASSHOLES. But, because that's what you're supposed to do first.


***** Okay, I'm really done now with the asterisking. 

Hai. I'm an asshole.

I believe in fair warning, so I have been known to tell my co-workers that I'm sort of a jerk. That way, when I do something jerky (like watch you knock over a stack of charts and then say "hey, you dropped something"), no one is surprised.

I AM a professional, mostly, so I try to keep my dislike of co-workers to myself. Or at least, I try not to make it OBVIOUS. Ahem. But there's always one, you know? That one co-worker who makes it realllly hard to like them. For whatever reason. And maybe this co-worker is not a horrible person, but for some reason, you just...can't. I cannot stand her. I am completely aggravated by her and I really have a hard time hiding it. Let's call her the nickname that I've given her already: Noxeema Jackson. And this is REALLY what she looks like: Wesley Snipes, in a dress. And I imagine that she gets dressed in the morning for work like this.

Recently, she's taken to trying to become my BFF, for no reason I can imagine. We had a staff meeting where she made it a point to ask me about some random thing that I did several months ago, that she had already asked me about when she called me about some equally unimportant thing, several months ago. She's invited me to come to her apartment and lay by her pool, to go go-karting, to go the jazz festival...blah, blah.BLAH. Every time I have to send an (work-related) e-mail to her, she tries to make it personal and/or attempts to invite me to her kid's basketball game. Every conversation, which is as rare as I can make it, she finds a way to bring her deceased husband of five or so years into the conversation. She tries to convince me, and everybody else that she was a model in her younger years (please see: Wesley Snipes in a dress. Also, nope.com)

So the other day, our department was "strongly encouraged" (read: not mandatory, but really kinda is) to attend some award ceremony, as one of our co-workers was receiving a fancy award. Toward the end, I decide to cut out with a couple of other co-workers (the newlywed and the mouse) because a) it had already been an hour and a half b) my co-worker had already received her award and c) I was tired of listening to this long ass award ceremony that wasn't even HALF over yet. And I see Noxeema get up as I walk past to catch up with me out of the corner of my eye (I would never look directly at her because she would take that as an invitation to engage, which...it wasn't).

I start walking faster. Because Noxeema is also an AMAZON, she is catching up quick. But I am smarter; so I know she's not going to scream my name while in front of all of these people and so I can pretend like I didn't see her since I didn't look directly at her. While I still have the head start, I cut into the bathroom around a corner before she can catch up to me. And while, I'm there, I decide to, you know...pee. So when she peeked in, she didn't see me. As I'm finishing, the mouse comes in and tells me that she DID come in looking for me, but is gone now. The Newlywed says that I disappeared but when she turned around Noxeema was standing there. And then I had to admit that I sorta ditched her by hiding in the can.

I feel a little bad because I know that she's trying, for whatever reason. And I don't make it easy. But I really don't wanna make nice unless it's absolutely necessary, i.e. Staff Meetings. And when I see her in staff meetings, I am almost the epitome of professional, and attempt to keep all smartassy comments to myself.

Except one:

I'll see you later, unless I see you first.


(see? I told you. I'm an asshole.)

I love my job

I don't know if you know this (I guess SOME OF YOU don't read my words of wisdom every whenever I write)....but I work at a Big Fancy Hospital. <--Name has been changed to protect the "not-so-innocent" aka ME. But, I'm sure you can guess. I live in Southern California, there really aren't but 2 hospitals to the stars. And I work at the other one. LOL.

Anyhoo. I love my job. Really, I do. I love it because they pay pretty well. There is, of course: 1. I'm too lazy to work hard for anything resembling minimum wage OR manual labor. 2. They pay well, so you don't WANT to go anywhere else 3. They NEED to pay well so you're not tempted violate patient confidentiality. (Although, face it. Some people will always go for the easy buck..And if they get caught, they get fired. For me, not worth it) and also..4. How else am I going to afford my ridiculously expensive shoes?

There's also that here at BFH they are pretty laid back. I'm sure not ALL departments are like mine, but who cares? We're talking about me here, people. After all, I have ditched work to go to a concert at 6AM...I've stayed up all night AND THEN came to work (and they were kind enough to ignore me when my eyes glazed over), they've even let me change my work schedule so that I can go to school part-time. Yep, BFH is pretty cool.

We even get hook ups...Need to see a Cardiologist? When you've been here as long as I have, you're bound to know somebody who knows somebody. (Actually, if you need one I know several. Super nice. You can tell them that I sent you). Got a Doctor's appointment? For employees they waive co-pays. And usually, I have a stack of free parking passes that I can give to friends/family if they ever have to come here.

And, of course... I get to brag. Oooh, I work at Big Fancy Hospital. There is that whole patient thing. But hey, that star I met in the elevator. Not my patient. So, my co-workers and I play I spy, since you never know when BIG BROTHER is watching. I spied with my eagle eye

He was walking across the bridge. He was hard to miss...and he was GORGEOUS! But the thing I love best about working at the BFH? Right now, I have a ginormous headache. I thought I had some tylenol or something here at my desk. But I don't. What am I going to do? I'm going to walk down the hall to the pharmacy department show them my badge and ask for some motrin. And they? Are going to give it to me.

Damn I love my job.

Marking my territory

It’s lunchtime.

I was going to go walking but OMG it’s colder than a polar bears ASSHOLE out there people, so we decided to just have lunch instead. Let’s just meet in the caf, we decide. No problemo. Except. Except something happens to hospital cafeterias when the weather is cold and/or rainy, OR it’s close to payday: Everybody in the whole entire hospital goes to the cafeteria. Even though there’s a lot a really great restaurants in the area, everybody goes downstairs. Dang. NONE of y’all want to go over to Hibachi-san or Quizno’s?

Whatever. I brought my lunch. Because 1. I’m trying to save money 2. I’m trying to lose weight 3. all of a sudden I have to start clocking IN/OUT for lunch and 45 minutes is not enough time to walk to Jerry’s/Johnny Rockets/ KFC AND eat lunch 4. I’m not a half bad cook. So my left-overs rock! But where are we gonna sit? I’m scanning…..scanning…oh there’s a booth! I start walking over…but nope. There’s just one nurse sitting in a BOOTH FOR FOUR (table hog) There’s a booth! Somebody is leaving and I beat a doctor and a random employee to the table. I put my lunch bag & water down because I need to heat up my food.

But I know the employees at my job. I put my stuff down and walk to a microwave within eyesight because it’s like when you go to the laundomat. If you’re not watching, somebody will come over and move your junk.

I have 2 minutes.

I see the first lady walk over and put her stuff down at my table…I am RIGHT behind her. I’m sorry, that’s my stuff and this is my table. “Oh, I didn’t see your stuff” I take this to mean: I didn’t see YOU watching your stuff. (Oh, but I was lady, so grab your salad and kick rox)

I walk back over to the microwave. Because I would have a shit attack if somebody takes my food out of the microwave (I’ve got to EAT that people. Keep your impatient hands to yourself). Is that dude walking to my table? I start walking over…he sees my stuff and keeps going. Back to my food. Whaaa?? MY table! I start walking back over…then back to my food. Another false alarm.

I’m starting to feel like I’m on guard.

(YOU! Step back from the table)
I’m also wondering why it’s taking my co-workers so long to get down here so somebody can SIT at the table and I don’t have to stand guard.

Ding! Fries are done My lunch is ready and I go back to my table. I’m walking next to a guy who thinks the table is free (but it’s NOT). The minute I sit down, my co-workers walk up. Man, I say..I thought I was going to have to pee on this table to mark my territory.

Okay okay.. maybe not PEE. But I’m thing of getting one of these to slap on the table next time I have to have to hold a table.


And I can slap one of these on my yogurt in the fridge at work, wrap them around my pens (I am UBER possessive about my pens), and on my shoes because now that The Brat wears my shoe size, I'm finding more and more of my flat shoes in her closet.

WTF Wednesday

I am not so full of myself that I think that everybody likes me. MOST people like me (must be the Libra in me), but there are some jerks people that don’t. All I ask from anybody is honesty. If you don’t like me, then don’t pretend. I’m perfectly okay with the polite “Good Morning”, and then ignoring me for the rest of the day. REALLY.

What I hate? People who pretend to like you, but then say fucked up things that make it clear they don’t. Example: I know my supervisor can’t stand my ass. LOL. The crazy part is, she doesn’t not like me because of something that I’VE done. She just can’t stand the fact that her boss, and the BIG boss love me. So, she spends her time trying to find something wrong. Whatev. I’m a good employee and she knows it.

Because I’m a good employee who is PROFESSIONAL, I speak when she speaks. I don’t have time for small talk with you because 1) I have a job to do, and it keeps me busy, and 2) I don’t feel the need to conversate with people who don’t like me. Occasionally though, I’ll shoot the shit if it looks like she’s not going to go away until I do.

Today, I had my new purse on my desk:

Cute right? On the way to Vegas, I stopped at the Coach outlet and they were having a massive sale. So massive, that I actually bought TWO bags, and still spend way under $150.

My supervisor: Oh, that’s a cute bag, where’d you get it? Blah, blah blah…Yeah. It’s a great purse. FOR SPRING.

Umm..I live in LA. There ARE no seasons here. It’s 98 degrees and it’s OCTOBER. It’s a great purse. Period. You really could have kept your snarky comment to yourself. Especially, since you came over here to me running your mouth, and I have never even pretended to be interested in anybody's opinion of whether or not I'm fashionable.

Next time you want to try to be the fashion police, be above reproach. Or I will be forced to point out that nobody looks good in high waisted pants. Not even you.

Psht...Mahna Mahna

It was one of those days...EVERYBODY was getting on my nerves at work. I work in a MD Administrative Office, but don't let that fool you. It's a cube farm. There are 9 people in a teeny little area AND NO WINDOWS...which may not be a big deal to SOME people, but it's a BFD to me.



I'm barely in the office, I check my mail and mumble something to myself. Probably something about needing an EXTRA LARGE cup of caffeine just to get me through the day, and my co-worker comes over and looks over my shoulder to see what I'm grumbling about. Because I know I am at my most dangerous when I am MSing (because there is no PRE- about it), I don't speak...I just look at her. I hate invaders of personal space*. Unless, I have invited you to look over my shoulder, just don't do it. Or I may be tempted to push my chair back and hope that I crack your pretty little pedicure or/and maybe break your toes.



I don't get my coffee, I can't walk that far. I drink some chamomile TEA (it's supposed to be SOOTHING, right?)and take the world's biggest Motrin and hope that my uterus does not fall out at work.



My co-worker's phone WON'T STOP RINGING. Which would be okay, except she's not answering it, so they're calling the main line and it's MY DAY to answer the phones, so I have to keep transferring all the calls BACK to her even though all the patients say they've been calling that number and NOBODY is answering that line and can I please help them but I can't because I'm just the hired help lady/sir not a doctor and have no idea what you're talking about and so no, I can't give you advice about your chest pains, or meds...I can just transfer you to the right department, so sorry, leave a message and hopefully she will call you back before the turn of the century[transfer line].



I'm now drinking HOT WATER. Because my co-worker is going through her own "personal summer" and keeps turning the air conditioner down to the antartica setting because she's on fire from the inside. Hey heffa. GET A FAN. I live in LA and do not have a parka I can bring to work to accommodate your hot flashes. Geez.



Then THIS SAME CO-WORKER gets into an hour long argument with another co-worker over why she doesn't have her own fax machine at her desk. HE does, her other co-worker does...it's just not fair. Blah, blah, blah...bitch bitch bitch...moan, moan, moan. I am TWO seconds from ending up on Snapped! because I was getting ready to snatch up the fax machine and shove in place where I'm pretty sure she wasn't gonna wanna reload the paper tray.



My other co-worker/partner in trouble-makin' sends me this:

Even now, I think this is the funniest thing ever. And laughing is really the only thing that kicks me out of a bad mood. So fuck it, mahna mahna. Heh. I feel better already.

*The only time you may invade my space is if I invite you. Or you are unarguably gorgeous and are buying my next drink.

A vacation from my vacation...?

So...'member how I said Tuesday was My First Day Back at work? Nope. Just Kiddin'. It was my practice day back at work. Sound foolish? What the hell am I talking about? Well gather 'round, and I'll tell you a story about my "second" day at work also known as my "paid vacation from my paid vacation".

I was at work ALL DAY LONG on Tuesday. And that's saying a lot when you consider I haven't been doing anything but sitting around with my foot up since July. Tuesday, before end of day, the HR person calls me and says "I uhh....don't have a clearance for you." I'm supposed to be cleared? MD note not enough, huh? Gotta go to employee health? Too late to do it today, so I go the next day.

Imagine: Me, somewhat Quasimodo-style, dragging my big fancy boot over to Employee Health. But still fashionably attired, after all...I can't wear fancy shoes, so I need to step up the outfit game:

Me: So I'm here to get clearance.
EH: You've been out? (see how much they missed me?)
Me: No, I heard you guys were having a sale.
EH: ...(can't take a joke those Employee Healthsters)
Me: ::sigh:: I've been out, I was told to come here to be cleared.
EH: do you have a note?
Me: Nope, nobody said I needed a NOTE too.
EH: Can you get a note today?
Me: :::grumbling & calling my doc::: Nope, doc's out til tomorrow.
EH: Well then, can't go back to work. See you tomorrow!
Me: limped out of the office as fast as my fancy walking boot would carry me.

What I did instead of working? Target, I needed to finish shopping for the Brat. I got notebooks, agenda books, a Sex & the City box set and a dress (Target IS the devil, y'all. I swear). I got a pedicure, purple nail polish, do I want the deluxe pedi? SURE, why the heck not! I went to see Death Race. Yeah, yeah...don't judge me. It's starring Jason Statham, and have you seen him? (You're welcome.) And then I came home and took a nap.

I know, right? Hard to believe they pay me for this...

Open Letter

Dear Mr. Too Lazy to Take your Kid to the Doctor,

You know your Doctor's office called me 10 minutes before I left work and BEGGED to schedule your 3 year olds STAT outpatient test for tomorrow. And then told me at the last minute to tell me you would be paying CASH. (I know this is hard to believe, but nobody wants you paying cash in a hospital, we would much rather bill the crap out of your insurance).

Why would you call me to tell me you are in San Diego today and don't want to come in tomorrow?Because you thought about it, and he's not sick enough to drive alllll the way back even though your doctor wants this done ASAP? Because it would ruin your good time? Because you are a giant JERK? What do you mean, "are we open Saturday?" Yes we are, but only if you are admitted as a patient, which may happen if you don't do what your doctor says.

I'll bet you called your doctor up and worried him hairless talking about how sick your kid is and how he needs to be seen RIGHT NOW. Well RIGHT NOW is here, and you are woefully unprepared. RIGHT NOW, instead of bringing your ass down here to take care of business, you decided it's not worth cutting your trip short, and so I'll bet you even though I had to call in a favor to schedule this test, I bet your raggedy tail won't even show up and then you will call the doctor back and insist that they call me back and reschedule for Monday and I'm sure you'll take any time that we have available...as long as it's convenient for you.

I don't know if anybody has ever told you this, having kids is not always convenient. Sometimes, instead of partying hardy, you have to take sick kids to the hospital, even if you are in San Diego.

I hope that while you are in San Diego, you go to the Wild Animal Park. I hope that they have a bee exhibit that goes horribly wrong and that every bee in a 20 mile radius sees you as nectar from the heavens, and stings the crap out of you. AND I hope you have a severe, but not life threatening allergic reaction that lands you in the hospital. Then maybe while you're in ER trying to recover, they'll take your kid up and get his test done.

JERK.