Wednesday, June 11, 2008

10 things I hate about YOU

An Ode to why I hate elevators...

I hate the way that people act
to just be in your presence...
We've got ELEVEN other elevators banks
is time THAT much of the essence?

I hate the way that people stampede on
I can't even get myself OFF first...
There is no freakin' fire, people
Haven't you heard of manners, JERKS?!

I hate the cell phone talkers
all loud with no propriety...
Don't you know it's not polite
to discuss your threesome among regular society?

And doctors who act like they're alone
while they discuss their patients
You know that is against the rules...
I am not invisible, and yes, I hate you too.

I hate you, too much perfume wearer
riding in this teeny tiny crate
My eyes and nose are swelling up
Who still wears Jean Nate?!

And YOU, Mr. Crusty McSickyface here on the 6th Floor
I want to kick your ass
We're in a mother fucking HOSPITAL...
Why didn't you get a mask?!

Why do you have to stand so close, stranger?
All in my personal space...
It's just you & me in this elevator
Don't make me use my mace.

Or do we ALL have to pile in together
like some frat boys in a telephone booth...
I think somebody's touching my ass
and I'm pretty sure I lost my shoe.

I HATE you Perv that works here
stop staring at my tits!
They do not talk, or do fancy tricks...
and I'm getting ready to lose my shit!

I hate you asshole solo rider
trying to push the button to close
I managed to get on ANYWAY

Yes, I know that last one didn't rhyme at all
that doesn't make it less true...
Instead of lowering myself to mean & angry glares
I need to find a different route

(Okay, I feel better now.)


Aimeepalooza said...

I hate people who pass gas on the elevator. Can't they wait???

Mamasphere said...

This is seriously the best ode I've ever read.

Beth said...

Hillarious, I volunteer at a hospital and I totally feel your pain.

Great Ode~

McMommy said...

I HATE elevators!!! I do all I can to take the stairs whenever possible. As you probably guessed, I'm a total germophobe.

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

Amen! I think you said it great and with such FLAIR!

Ugg... I feel my blood pressure rise when I even think about elevators!

Happy POW!


Sandy C. said...

Oh man, well done. I worked in hospitals for years...I can relate to nearly of these!

Mandy said...

Over here from POW.

That was very funny. I have a huge fear of the doors when they shut... I'm always afraid I'm going to be trapped inbetween.

Anonymous said...

I want to punch Mr. Stand-too-Close-to-Me in the face. Totally feel your pain.