$&(#*&@(*@^!! <--That's me trying not to drop an F-bomb at work

This is MY desk.

On my desk, I have a bajillion paperclips, a shit ton of post-its, the Lakers 2009-10 schedule, random pictures (Yes, that is a question mark. I hold it over my head when I want to know WTF you are talking about) and pens. The pens that I don't mind losing because I am a pen freak and hide my favorite ones. And a plant, because my co-worker across the walkway is constantly staring at my computer screen. Gah!

I'll bet you're wondering why I'm here today talking about my desk. It's because the other day a co-worker was digging around in my drawers HE CLAIMS looking for keys. Keys, I might add are always HERE on the side of my desk in that basket thingy.

Another co-worker caught him at my desk while I was out shopping for lunch. To be fair, I thought I had locked my desk, and if I HAD this would have been a non-issue. But uhh...in the years that I've worked here the keys have always been THERE. (see previous picture). NOT here.

When I found out, I went from my shopping induced euphoria to fighting mad in less than six seconds. I hate, hate, HATE people digging around in places where they don't belong (Yes, I hate going to the OB/GYN. Why do you ask?). I went right over to his office to rip him a new asshole, but lucky for the both of us, he was probably wondering the halls looking for another desk to violate or maybe, you know.. working. Whatever. His being gone probably saved my job.

But when I DID run into him, and please believe that I made it a point to do exactly that, I explained that it has been my understanding that the keys have been kept in the hanging thing there on the side of my desk, where I've seen you get them many times over the years...if not forever, for at least for the THREE FUCKING YEARS that I've been here. And you, "sir"...have never, not once found keys in my drawers.

Also? Rifling through my desk without permission is the same thing as digging through my purse. Which... I'm *sure* you would never do, right? Riiight.

So lets make a deal. If you don't see something on my desk, just wait for me to come back and ask me. And I never have almost cuss you out at work again*. KTHXBAI. (jackass)

/rant

*That's me. Keeping it professional while I'm tearing you a new one.

WTF Wednesdays

A real conversation I had with my son & his girlfriend:

The Boy: Mommy! What happened to your foot?

Me: I went to the Green Day concert last night and some jackass kicked me in the back of my (just barely recovered from surgery) foot.

The Girlfriend: Did you at least punch him in the face?

Me: ....Yes.

Open Letter

Dear Mr. Too Lazy to Take your Kid to the Doctor,

You know your Doctor's office called me 10 minutes before I left work and BEGGED to schedule your 3 year olds STAT outpatient test for tomorrow. And then told me at the last minute to tell me you would be paying CASH. (I know this is hard to believe, but nobody wants you paying cash in a hospital, we would much rather bill the crap out of your insurance).

Why would you call me to tell me you are in San Diego today and don't want to come in tomorrow?Because you thought about it, and he's not sick enough to drive alllll the way back even though your doctor wants this done ASAP? Because it would ruin your good time? Because you are a giant JERK? What do you mean, "are we open Saturday?" Yes we are, but only if you are admitted as a patient, which may happen if you don't do what your doctor says.

I'll bet you called your doctor up and worried him hairless talking about how sick your kid is and how he needs to be seen RIGHT NOW. Well RIGHT NOW is here, and you are woefully unprepared. RIGHT NOW, instead of bringing your ass down here to take care of business, you decided it's not worth cutting your trip short, and so I'll bet you even though I had to call in a favor to schedule this test, I bet your raggedy tail won't even show up and then you will call the doctor back and insist that they call me back and reschedule for Monday and I'm sure you'll take any time that we have available...as long as it's convenient for you.

I don't know if anybody has ever told you this, having kids is not always convenient. Sometimes, instead of partying hardy, you have to take sick kids to the hospital, even if you are in San Diego.

I hope that while you are in San Diego, you go to the Wild Animal Park. I hope that they have a bee exhibit that goes horribly wrong and that every bee in a 20 mile radius sees you as nectar from the heavens, and stings the crap out of you. AND I hope you have a severe, but not life threatening allergic reaction that lands you in the hospital. Then maybe while you're in ER trying to recover, they'll take your kid up and get his test done.

JERK.