Tainted Love

I’m sure in the beginning it was cute. He was so in love with you that he wanted to know where you are all the time, and you were so in love with him that you told him…because trust is the basis of any relationship. You didn’t have anything to hide, after all. He wanted to have babies with you. And you, so accustomed to men that hit you and kept you in fear, men that raped you and made you believe that this was how a husband was supposed to treat his wife… you were enamored of his insecurities, his neediness, his non-threatening behavior. This was the opposite of everything love had been for you.

Every couple has ups & downs, but yours were extreme as roller coaster rides. Clicking slowly to the top of extreme euphoria then hurtling warp speed into downward spirals of anger and confusion. Why can’t he love me the way I need to be loved? Why is he acting this way? What did I do wrong? And I have no answers for those kinds of questions.

He’s alternately told you that he loved you while doing things that mean the opposite. There are no sticks & stones, but words he uses to hurt you. He destroys your self esteem by telling you that you’ve gained so much weight that it’s hard to be attracted to you, and yet…sabotages any effort you make to lose weight. He says you’re always crowding his space, but stops talking to you for weeks at a time if you go out with the girls. Even after all of the ridiculousness he put you through, you want him to marry you, you INSIST that he marry you, and so he does.

It’s been so many years. You are still unhappy. His insecurities have increased, so much so that he is jealous of any time you spend away from home, even work. He hates all of your friends and sees us as competition for your time, when he's not hitting on them and pretending it's the alcohol. He’s done the unthinkable, and it almost destroyed you. And even now you sleep under the same roof, maybe even the same bed.

Even today, you say that even though a part of you hates him, you still love him. I don't know what you want me to tell you. I'm not going to tell you to go, and I'm not going to justify why you should stay.

I can't tell you who or how to love. I can only tell you that love to me, is comforting and loving, sexy and fun, safe and uncertain, even scary. Because you're trusting someone with your heart for safekeeping. It doesn't tear you down with words leaving you internally broken and bleeding, praying that he would just hit you already, so you can show somebody, anybody at all the scars that he is leaving behind, instead of pretending to be okay.

I imagine it's a little like watching a recreational drug user take the downhill slide into full blown, life destroying addiction. You know what this relationship is doing to you and still you remain...trembling, waiting for his affection. You ingest his apologies and get high breathing in the smoky stench from the latest "I'm Sorry"...Hoping this time he meant it, he WILL change. And that quick, the stars are back in your eyes until the newest betrayal.

I would call this behavior a lot of things: crazy, dysfunctional and more importantly delusional.

But I would never, ever call it love.