F My Life

This morning I caught The Boy in bed with his half-naked girlfriend. HALF-naked because I timed *my bust in the door* perfectly. Fuck me right in the ass why don’t you, Karma? (Just because I once slept over to the THEN boyfriend's -now husband- and his Mom found me sleeping in the bed did not mean that *I* needed to have the same experience. REALLY)

My son, who has been home all of 3 months, is driving me insane. He moved up north because his girlfriend is going to school there he says he loved it so much that he wanted to live there and go to school even though:
1. He’d never even HEARD of it until his girlfriend took him up there to look at her school
2. He had no job
3. Or a place to stay
4. AND his parents are not rich

And since he STILL didn't have a job, and the friend with whom he'd been staying told him he needed to start paying rent, he decided to come home. Because I really did mean it when I said I’m not going to pay MY rent AND yours.

He came home, still not sure what he wants to do. Then we had a "I realize that college may not be for everyone, but if you DON'T go to school, then you sure as hell better get a job because you are not going to sit around the house playing your guitar all day and eating everything in the fridge" conversation.

I even told him that I know it’s hard to live WITH your parents once you haven’t, and so I’m not going spanking you about curfew (although, nothing is really open after 2AM in L.A. except legs, and I can’t have a boy with no job getting somebody pregnant, so do the math), and you’re too old for me to have to tell you what NOT to do. OR SO I THOUGHT.

I went to bed early because it’s my verb, but was startled awake because I hear doors opening & closing and while I’m lying there trying to decide if I should panic and wake The Man NOW or wait until some burglar bursts into our room and tries to kill me, I realize it’s The Boy trying to be all sneaky sneaky. And now that I’m awake, I have to pee. I notice that’s just a little past midnight, so I’m guessing The Boy thinks that everyone is sleeping and that his girlfriend is probably still here. So I give it a few more minutes and decide to scare them both and did I ever.

All I said was..."Really?"
If I'm going to be honest (and I am), I really wish I had a camera, because the look on that poor girl's face was HYSTERICAL and I wanted to laugh out loud, but I didn't. I'm sure she'd never been so embarrassed in her life, and that made me feel slightly better.

Then I said... "So, I'm assuming you know what to do now, right?"
Which she obviously did, because then she got dressed quick-fast and in a hurry.

But because I am totally about making sure You've Learned Your Lesson, I was waiting in the Living Room to making sure they both understood:

THE PARENTS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GET TO FUCK UNDER THIS ROOF

That's right. In Bold. All Caps.

If you want to get laid, you get a hotel room, sneak back to HER parents house, have sex in the backseat of her car, but not here. NEVER here. And yes, I really did say that.

Why can't they just stay cute little babies forever? Gah...