The joke that probably almost gave my husband a heart attack, or at the very least several small strokes

I can't remember ever trying to pull an April Fool's Day joke on The Man. I mean, I think I once half-assedly tried to convince him that I was pregnant. But. You know. It's a much scarier joke when you're single, not already married with one kid you didn't expect.

This year the joke wasn't even mine. It was The Boy's. He called me earlier today to tell me that he was going to be coming home for a few days of his spring break. Awesome. He calls me around 9pm and says he has bad news. He tells me that he & his friend got pulled over and the cops found bags of weed...(cue the choking up) and uhh....he thinks they're gonna get arrested for possession with intent to sell.

Let me just say that normally, this would have freaked me out but I remembered that today was April Fool's Day AND neither he OR his friend smoke weed. So instead of going apeshit, I say, "Uh huh. Well you may as well tell me this is a joke now. Because I'm too tired to come bail you out of jail." Silence. Then, "Yeah, I was trying really hard to fool you.." Mmm hmm... You and your friends are assholes for trying to scare the living hell outta me. Even if I didn't... Have you called your Dad and tried to prank him?

So I'm sure you know where this is leading. OH PLEASE, let me call your dad... Sooo...I just got a call from The Boy and he says that he's gonna be arrested for possession and...and....OMG, can you please call him? He says he's in the Valley.

The Boy says that he got him good. He said that The Man was good & freaked out.. My guess is that The Man had a flashback of all the hell he got into at his age, and forgot that we raised a pretty decent kid.

I haven't talked to him yet. Because I called him while he was hanging out with the boys. I don't think he's gonna drop everything to come straight home to punch me in the eye, but he's gonna come home eventually.

Payback is gonna be a bitch.

It's a small, small world

I really don't mind sharing my whole life stories on the internet. I have lots to say and no real outlets to say it. So, really, the internet is PERFECT for that.

IRL, however, I am a lot more reserved. I don't volunteer information unless asked. Also, I have made a habit of dodging a speech class that I KNOW I need to graduate. (Damn you, public speaking class. Why do you have to be mandatory?!)

Anyways, I finally decided to bite the bullet and take the stupid class. 1) I really don't have that many classes before I graduate, 2) if I take it in the summer it's accelerated, so it's like ripping off a band-aid. Painful, but not long and drawn out and 3) I'm taking it at the local Junior College (because, let's face it, it's CHEAPER).

I worried and worried over this class. Not because I'm not articulate. CLEARLY, I am (you can't see it, but just imagine my sarcastic "sure I am" face here). But because I hate, HATE speaking in public. I get nervous, my voice wobbles and also? I talk with my hands, so no matter how nervous I am, I look even MORE nervous because of that.

I finally got over myself though. I was like, I don't even know these people...short of throwing up in front of the class, there's not really that much to be worried about because I will never see these people again.

...Yeah. Did you hear me tempting fate? I didn't. But apparently, just the thought was enough for Fate to slap me in the face. I got through my first speech, (about MOVIES, for God's sake...I know all about movies!) said something completely random because I was in no way prepared to stand up in front of 32 people and ramble on for 2 minutes. Whatever. I felt good about doing it without too much damage to my psyche.

Friday at work, I'm leaving Rounds (where I get to hear about each patient and every single one of their issues, medical, personal and anything worth gossiping about), the student shadowing one of the RN's stops me...
Aren't you taking Speech 1 @ random JC?
Me: Yes, I am.
Oh, me too. I thought you looked familiar...So I guess I'll see you on Monday here & in class.
Me: AWESOME.

So here's hoping that I don't party too hard and go to class drunk off my ass and really throw up in the middle of giving a speech, or say/do something completely ridiculous (wish me luck with THAT one, I'm sure going to need it), because now I'm going to be worried that my random assholery will be reported back to my co-workers.

What are the chances that I would take a random class at night and be enrolled a co-worker that is ONLY HERE FOR THE SUMMER? I suppose they're a lot higher than you'd think.

Fuck.

Party Like a Rock Star

And not in a trashing a hotel kind of way.







I'm talking about going out. See...I was going to post about something completely different today, but...well, I'm not. I'm going to talk about going out in the middle of the week, like I can sleep til noon.



When you are "regular people", which, I certainly AM, there are certain things you shouldn't do:

1. Drink & Drive. Checking into rehab with not stop Mr. Police officer from arresting your ass and you will probably get your license revoked.


2. Make a sex tape. Unless you are banging somebody famous, nobody cares. Really.


3. Get caught with a hooker. They very rarely look like Julia Roberts, and you can bet your ass they'll be no happy ending. Well, they'll be "happy ending"...but, you know what I mean.


4. Hang out until after midnight, when you know you have to get up at 5 AM to go to your REAL JOB. This would also include going out on Sunday because you have work the next morning.. or going out in the middle of the week.

Guess what rule I decided to break? Heyyyy!! You stop that, I would never pay for sex and videos make you look 10 lbs heavier, and believe me, I'm heavy enough. And I know you wouldn't insult me by guessing #1.



Right. So yesterday, I get a text message to my phone, saying I've won a ticket to come on down and check out the new Blackberry Storm. They're having a launch party. (Only in LA would they have a party/concert for a PHONE. C'mon down and check out our new PHONE?! And in return, check out this band. REALLY? Yes, really. And it was complete with a red carpet, stars AND papparazzi.)



So now? Back at work, dragging ass. Because I can't resist 1) free booze 2)concerts 3) free booze AND concerts together. I apparently CAN resist my common sense.





I e-mail my co-worker to tell about last nights adventures and to send her pictures of her favorite drummer in the whole wide world, and she says that she wished SHE coulda went, but she's a grown up and can't be going out on a Wednesday night. I say, well if you were childish & immature like me*, you know what you woulda got?

The Set List.

*My husband says that I'm a stalker. So I looked it up: [stawk] an act or course of stalking quarry, prey, or the like (if by the like you mean, A BAND). Hmm...*whistling & trying to look innocent* Nawww, Not Me....

Hit Dog Will Holler**....

And other random country sayings my mother said that just now make sense.



So. 'Member how I said that I had the costumes ALL picked out for Halloween? Well I was gonna be this:

Girl on Safari. After all. Who else was gonna be able to corral a kangaroo? I knew the kangaroo costume was gonna be a risk, but what woman who is married to a Marine is NOT a risk taker? Certainly not me. Well I got my costume folks and let me tell you. God does NOT like ugly*. (Translation: While I was yucking it up over The Man's costume, that damn kangaroo karma came around and kicked me square in the ass. And did it ever). My costume. So cute online? I even got the EXTRA large, because I know better than to think they would make that costume for regular sized people, so I figured I'd get the next size up... Well. Apparently it only comes in ONE size. SMEDIUM. You know, supposed to be regular sized, but really a small? Yeah. REALLY SMALL.

As I looked around, I saw that I had a very small selection of comfortable costumes, but I could be slutty or skanky in a variety of colors and sizes. Take for instance, this costume.

Still "Girl on Safari" albeit a skankier version. Replace buttons with corset, and no sleeves. Wouldn't a girl on a safari need sleeves? It gets hot in Australia...I would need SOME kind of protection from the sun, wouldn'tcha think? It also came with the world's tiniest skirt attached. A skirt so tiny, that I would go out & get panties that said "If you can read this, kiss my ass..since you're already down there" (that probably could ALL fit on my backside. Heh) How do I know? I ordered it too, as a back up.

Ordered a large, packaging SAYS large. Dress says: smedium. Literally.

So. Me 2 costumes, The Man - just one.

But don't worry, the costume party is Saturday, and I will be a girl on safari. Somehow.

Just watch me.

* where does my mom GET these sayings? Oh yeah. Arkansas.

**Hit dog will holler - So, I told my friend at work what I'm dressing The Man up as Halloween, she said you are SOOO evil. Ouch! Who threw that rock...?