A tale of two costumes

Well, I've been hemming and hawing about Halloween time and now it's almost here. What are we gonna be for Halloween, dude? Wouldn't be such a big deal, but a friend of his throws a party every year, and now that we're local, we make it a point to attend. He does not know. But, in the way of The Man, who tries to avoid shopping whenever possible...he says whatever I choose is fine with him. What if I put you in a dress? Whatever, he says. I'm not shopping, so I can't be mad at whatever costume YOU pick. And can you just picture where I'm going with this? It's become like a game.

2 years ago...

Except I didn't look as slutty because I'm short AND I couldn't find red sequined shoes..Mmm hmm..that's the ONLY reason. Oh, did I have a good laugh at his expense that year. Mr. I'm-using-a-string-as-a-belt. Hee.

I figured that the next time I asked for his input he will be QUICK to have an opinion. I figured wrong...

Last year...

He DIDN'T have an opinion. I asked him, I did. But when he wouldn't give me a straight answer...well, I picked something cute for me and got him the matching outfit. AND, I sprung it on him the day of the Halloween Party. I am the greatest wife ever, and please don't forget it.

In my defense, MY costume did not come with a wig, just a cute bonnet...so HOW was I to know that his would come complete with sailor hat and ribbon hair? I wasn't. Can I tell you I just about peed my shorts (that I DID wear underneath that teeny skirt...I'm a grown woman, you do NOT want to see what's up there when the wind kicks up) when he put the whole get up on? He either loves me, or is plotting very serious revenge.

After this costume, The Man got a little hostile because his costume did not have...pockets. Nevermind that I take him out in public looking completely ridiculous, his big beef is he has nowhere to store his wallet. I mean, it's not like I'm not carrying a PURSE or anything like that. No, he wants to carry his own shit, and not come to me for money, or his keys, or cigarettes.

So. We can go as cowboys & indian. Cowboys wear jeans and those have POCKETS. No? Really. Okay..how about baseball players? Umm..nooo. Now I'M starting to get irritated. Well what the hell do you want to be?! A freakin' GLADIATOR?! Hell, nah. That does NOT have pockets. And that toga gets COLD. Fine. We're walking through Target (aka "the mugger") and I see a chicken costume...How about that one? It does TOO have pockets. No. Okay.

I've asked you a baJILLION times what the hell you want to wear as a costume, you've been difficult - I'm sure on purpose, just to drive me batshit. Well, it worked, unfortunately for you. Say hello to your costume:

It's got one BIG GIANT pocket. RIGHT. IN. FRONT.

You will not only be able to put the car keys in there, you could probably put the WHOLE DAMN CAR. Or maybe we can forgo the car altogether, and you can hop me on over to the party in your big fucking pocket?

I really hope that since he was so adamant about his costume having pockets, he appreciates my wifely spite wish to give The Man what he asked for.

Do you think next year, I'll STILL be allowed to pick out the costumes? How do you top a KANGAROO?