Friday, August 14, 2009

F My Life

This morning I caught The Boy in bed with his half-naked girlfriend. HALF-naked because I timed *my bust in the door* perfectly. Fuck me right in the ass why don’t you, Karma? (Just because I once slept over to the THEN boyfriend's -now husband- and his Mom found me sleeping in the bed did not mean that *I* needed to have the same experience. REALLY)

My son, who has been home all of 3 months, is driving me insane. He moved up north because his girlfriend is going to school there he says he loved it so much that he wanted to live there and go to school even though:
1. He’d never even HEARD of it until his girlfriend took him up there to look at her school
2. He had no job
3. Or a place to stay
4. AND his parents are not rich

And since he STILL didn't have a job, and the friend with whom he'd been staying told him he needed to start paying rent, he decided to come home. Because I really did mean it when I said I’m not going to pay MY rent AND yours.

He came home, still not sure what he wants to do. Then we had a "I realize that college may not be for everyone, but if you DON'T go to school, then you sure as hell better get a job because you are not going to sit around the house playing your guitar all day and eating everything in the fridge" conversation.

I even told him that I know it’s hard to live WITH your parents once you haven’t, and so I’m not going spanking you about curfew (although, nothing is really open after 2AM in L.A. except legs, and I can’t have a boy with no job getting somebody pregnant, so do the math), and you’re too old for me to have to tell you what NOT to do. OR SO I THOUGHT.

I went to bed early because it’s my verb, but was startled awake because I hear doors opening & closing and while I’m lying there trying to decide if I should panic and wake The Man NOW or wait until some burglar bursts into our room and tries to kill me, I realize it’s The Boy trying to be all sneaky sneaky. And now that I’m awake, I have to pee. I notice that’s just a little past midnight, so I’m guessing The Boy thinks that everyone is sleeping and that his girlfriend is probably still here. So I give it a few more minutes and decide to scare them both and did I ever.

All I said was..."Really?"
If I'm going to be honest (and I am), I really wish I had a camera, because the look on that poor girl's face was HYSTERICAL and I wanted to laugh out loud, but I didn't. I'm sure she'd never been so embarrassed in her life, and that made me feel slightly better.

Then I said... "So, I'm assuming you know what to do now, right?"
Which she obviously did, because then she got dressed quick-fast and in a hurry.

But because I am totally about making sure You've Learned Your Lesson, I was waiting in the Living Room to making sure they both understood:


That's right. In Bold. All Caps.

If you want to get laid, you get a hotel room, sneak back to HER parents house, have sex in the backseat of her car, but not here. NEVER here. And yes, I really did say that.

Why can't they just stay cute little babies forever? Gah...


Kori said...

You kick ass. You really and honestly do; my new hero.

JustMiss said...

OMG Noooooooo. No. No. No. Do. Not. Want.

This is going to happen to me isnt it? Because I've never had respect for having sex in parents houses, mine or otherwise.

I'm so screwed.

But way to go you because I would have laughed then said GTFO.

Beck said...

LMAO!! Your blog is so funny! Thanks for always making me laugh! Sorry you had to deal with that. Hope your day gets better (:

Shania said...

Ugh. Having been both the girl (many years ago) and the mother in this scenario, I'm not sure who I sympathize with more!

Optimistic Pessimist said...

my little boy is 8...i'm not ready to learn the ugly truth yet. please let me live in my bubble just a little bit longer.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I think once you've "graduated" you should move out. That way you can have your own roof to do it under lol.

Aimeepalooza said...

I am totally telling my boys the same thing. I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS TO

Laura said...

Oh Lord, I think I just had a vision of my future. This sounds JUST like my 17 year old. Scary. Only mine would probably have the pregnant girl.

Your post cracked me up though. I would so say what you said. lol

Oh btw...stumbled here by way of Miss Britt, I do believe.

Anonymous said...

Did you have to go there?! Here I am missing my little baby boy and being all sappy that we are going to be apart for a week.
Then I read this. And I realize...I have a son. Who just may turn out to be like his father (and maybe a little like his mother too), and be a horn dog.
Which then leads me to thinking about having the talk. And finding rubbers in his trash and shit like that.
And now all of the sudden he's out of high school and doing god knows what! Damn it all to hell!
Just earlier today I swear he was 2 and all I was worried about was him not eating his veggies.

Mom2Jazz said...

and that's why you are my friend...but i dont know how you made it to work b/c i'd be stuck in a jail cell right now trying to convince the police that the boy & his girl ran their necks right into my hands.

Anonymous said...

WOW your awesome! I just found your site, and you crack me up!

Mama Laura said...

Well done! Handled like a pro!

And thanks for reminding me about what I'm in for... Makes me feel a little bad for my parents. But then again they'll get their laughs when it happens to me. About 3 years down, too few to go... F me.

Maybe I'll just let them read this when they're getting to that age lol.

Angelika said...

LMFAO! I love it!!! :-)

jennster said...

LMFAO- you are my hero.

Anonymous said...

That is the funniest cock block ever.

Mariah said...

Lord I feel you on this, I caught my 17 y/o in bed with her boyfriend. MY BED when I came home early from work. Cute.