The Girl Who Cried...Divorce.

A few years ago, The Man and I were having some differences of opinions. I thought he was an asshole, he didn't. Anyways, his suggestion was separation. In my own "all-or-nothing" way, I told him kiss my ass No thank you. We are either married or divorced. I don't believe in halfway, so if you'd like I can divorce you. That is, the ONLY time he ever brought it up. In fact, he began to straighten up & fly right not too long after that conversation. And we lived happily ever after. Okay, umm... mostly happily? I don't hate his guts right now? Let's just say we worked it out.



That being said, I didn't play the big D card lightly. When I said it, I had already STARTED looking for an attorney, because really? I was already halfway out the door. After I played my trump card, we BOTH made the decision to make it work. Although, the changes were mostly on his side, since, you know...he was the asshole person in the wrong. My point is, divorce is serious business, it's not a threat you use like you'd say "I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to come over there and..."...then you count to 2, like THIRTY fucking times, when really you should've just counted to 3 and then went over there like you threatened. Either do it, or don't. Either shit, or get off the pot, as my Mom would say.

ANYHOOTERS, I have this friend (no really, I have friends)...she uhhh...counts to 2. A lot. She's a pretty dramatic lady. And while I don't necessarily have a problem with being dramatic (heh), I DO have a problem with people who don't follow through. And more importantly, I hate having to LISTEN while you don't do it.

Her: I've had enough of this, I told him I want a divorce. If he thinks I'm going to put up this, blah blah blah...
Me: Well, I'll stand by you, whatever you decision you make. I am CERTAINLY not the person to tell you to stay or go, no marriage is perfect, ESPECIALLY not mine, yakity smackity...
Her: He said he's sorry, going to change, he brought me flowers, blah blah blah...
Me: I'm happy for you. I hope he means it, I guess this means I don't have to hate his guts...yada yada yada

I am genuinely happy for her. I'm a "you like it, I love it" kind of girl. Especially, if we're talking about relationships. I don't have to sleep with him at night, so who am I to tell you? He may do something REALLY cool with his tongue or something. Whatev.

And then about a year later:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Here to help!
Her: He's sorry!
Me: Ok!

At this point, I tell her that in my humble opinion, you shouldn't say the D-word unless you really, REALLY mean it. Think of it like a gun. If you pull it out, you better be ready to use it. (Yep, that's what she said).

8 months later:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Sure you are...
Her: He's sorry!
Me: I'm sure.


At this point, concerned for both HER sanity and mine, I (and other friends) talk to her about therapy. Perhaps she should get some. So what if he won't go, at least then you will have a different perspective and maybe even learn how to cope with your relationship issues. I've learned in my short life that changing how YOU deal with situations can change how other people react as well. More importantly, I am totally not equipped to deal with this sort of thing. I'm your friend and feel that asshole behavior by husbands should be corrected by being buried alive in the desert on the way to Las Vegas, thus giving you an alibi AND a place to celebrate your newly single status. (Yes, I am totally THAT FRIEND).

She goes for a little bit. Some people can't do therapy. I get it. And then:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Really?
Her: No....not really.
Me: Well. Okay then.

So now, I'm trying not to pull out my hair. I tell her the D-word looses it's scary, get-your-shit-together-or-else power if you pull it out every time you fight. If you say it, you need to mean it. Because, right now, NOBODY believes you mean it. Most especially HIM. Her response: this time he knows I mean it.

So this week, you'll never guess what happened. Or can you?

Me: Sure you are.

Her: REALLY.

Me: REALLY?

Her. Yes.

I'm skeptical. But I'm there for a friend in her time of need. We talk...mostly I listen, because I have no opinion --your relationship, your decision. Okay, well, I HAVE an opinion, I'm just going to keep it to myself. And as I'm listening, she is convincing me that this time she really DOES mean it. And then she says...

I have to make a big statement, so that he knows I really mean business this time.

Dammit! Did I just hear somebody counting in the background?