Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Girl Who Cried...Divorce.

A few years ago, The Man and I were having some differences of opinions. I thought he was an asshole, he didn't. Anyways, his suggestion was separation. In my own "all-or-nothing" way, I told him kiss my ass No thank you. We are either married or divorced. I don't believe in halfway, so if you'd like I can divorce you. That is, the ONLY time he ever brought it up. In fact, he began to straighten up & fly right not too long after that conversation. And we lived happily ever after. Okay, umm... mostly happily? I don't hate his guts right now? Let's just say we worked it out.

That being said, I didn't play the big D card lightly. When I said it, I had already STARTED looking for an attorney, because really? I was already halfway out the door. After I played my trump card, we BOTH made the decision to make it work. Although, the changes were mostly on his side, since, you know...he was the asshole person in the wrong. My point is, divorce is serious business, it's not a threat you use like you'd say "I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to come over there and..."...then you count to 2, like THIRTY fucking times, when really you should've just counted to 3 and then went over there like you threatened. Either do it, or don't. Either shit, or get off the pot, as my Mom would say.

ANYHOOTERS, I have this friend (no really, I have friends)...she uhhh...counts to 2. A lot. She's a pretty dramatic lady. And while I don't necessarily have a problem with being dramatic (heh), I DO have a problem with people who don't follow through. And more importantly, I hate having to LISTEN while you don't do it.

Her: I've had enough of this, I told him I want a divorce. If he thinks I'm going to put up this, blah blah blah...
Me: Well, I'll stand by you, whatever you decision you make. I am CERTAINLY not the person to tell you to stay or go, no marriage is perfect, ESPECIALLY not mine, yakity smackity...
Her: He said he's sorry, going to change, he brought me flowers, blah blah blah...
Me: I'm happy for you. I hope he means it, I guess this means I don't have to hate his guts...yada yada yada

I am genuinely happy for her. I'm a "you like it, I love it" kind of girl. Especially, if we're talking about relationships. I don't have to sleep with him at night, so who am I to tell you? He may do something REALLY cool with his tongue or something. Whatev.

And then about a year later:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Here to help!
Her: He's sorry!
Me: Ok!

At this point, I tell her that in my humble opinion, you shouldn't say the D-word unless you really, REALLY mean it. Think of it like a gun. If you pull it out, you better be ready to use it. (Yep, that's what she said).

8 months later:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Sure you are...
Her: He's sorry!
Me: I'm sure.

At this point, concerned for both HER sanity and mine, I (and other friends) talk to her about therapy. Perhaps she should get some. So what if he won't go, at least then you will have a different perspective and maybe even learn how to cope with your relationship issues. I've learned in my short life that changing how YOU deal with situations can change how other people react as well. More importantly, I am totally not equipped to deal with this sort of thing. I'm your friend and feel that asshole behavior by husbands should be corrected by being buried alive in the desert on the way to Las Vegas, thus giving you an alibi AND a place to celebrate your newly single status. (Yes, I am totally THAT FRIEND).

She goes for a little bit. Some people can't do therapy. I get it. And then:
Her: Divorce!
Me: Really?
Her: No....not really.
Me: Well. Okay then.

So now, I'm trying not to pull out my hair. I tell her the D-word looses it's scary, get-your-shit-together-or-else power if you pull it out every time you fight. If you say it, you need to mean it. Because, right now, NOBODY believes you mean it. Most especially HIM. Her response: this time he knows I mean it.

So this week, you'll never guess what happened. Or can you?

Me: Sure you are.
Her. Yes.

I'm skeptical. But I'm there for a friend in her time of need. We talk...mostly I listen, because I have no opinion --your relationship, your decision. Okay, well, I HAVE an opinion, I'm just going to keep it to myself. And as I'm listening, she is convincing me that this time she really DOES mean it. And then she says...

I have to make a big statement, so that he knows I really mean business this time.

Dammit! Did I just hear somebody counting in the background?


Comedy Goddess said...

This is a huge topic for me. One thing I know for sure is, it is a realm of Hell like you cannot even imagine. In my opinion, your friend would get her ass kicked. From here into the next decade.

On a lighter note, Thanks for following my blog! I am not always screaming about divorce. Although I could.

Lump said...

Her: Divorce!
Me: Really?
Her: No....not really.
Me: Well. Okay then.

you know, only if those kind of conversations could really last that long. but they don't, unfortunately.

I hope she knows that you are a good friend. Because every girl needs a friend that will help bury her husband/bf. So, um, you want to go to Vegas soon? haha!

angel said...

oy... i have a friend (yeah me too) who is constantly getting the short end of the stick in her relationships too, with the same two guys (she alternates every other year) and she also keeps asking for advice. i eventually told her to either take the advice she kept getting or stop asking me.
she stopped asking.

Anonymous said...

Man, I wish she could understand what it takes to listen to thatans still be a good freind.
Now I am hooked you have got to let us know if she has papers yet. Plus, what is he turns around and just gives her papers first and means it?

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Well if he's anything like MY husband when she brings out the big D word he probably shapes up. But it only lasts so long and then he falls back into the old ways. When it's good it's good and when it's bad she has you to vent to.

THEhooahwife said...

Thanks for stopping by and leaving your opinion on the dishes! =)

I have to say, I love your writing style! Very entertaining. I hate watching people throw around the D word. I think that is something you only say when you actually mean it, not when you are pissed.

You hit the nail on the head.

Kori said...

I had a really clever reply all on the tip of my tongue, but then I had to cram in a moutful of trailmix and apparently swallowed it. Hm. If she shows you the papers, maybe it will mean something. Or not, ha ha.

Miss said...

I have a friend like this. *sigh* its fucking tough and I have no answer for you. It seems though that you are on the right track not really taking her all that seriously at this point.

wendy said...

I could not agree with you more! You are truly a good friend to her.

I just want you to know I love your blog - and left something for you on mine.

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you! This was a great post!
I also used the D-word one time. Okay, well two times, but the secind time was a follow-up/reminder of what I meant the first time. Things are 100%, but are they ever? I never in all of my life thought I would ever say that word. And I knew that when I said it, I had to mean it. It was a quick reality check for both of us!

Simplicity said...

Yes indeed it does lose its meaning in a conversation after a while.

It doesn't lose its meaning after it has happened!

I've been divorced for almost 10 years and I still cringe when I have to check off that stupid box for tax purposes...and I wasn't even the one who threw the word out there!

I agree with all the other are a good friend to be there listening!

Anonymous said...

I am still laughing a t am easily amused :0

The D word is like the L word, you dont say it unless you mean it!

raino said...

i totally know where you're coming from with this one. i have a SIL that does exactly the same. it has gotten to the point (after 4 yrs now) that i no longer support her.

sounds bad and mean but really. walk the talk. shit or get off the pot like your mom says..

Anonymous said...

Great post. I've been down that road a few times with friends and it's all too familiar.