I'm not a complete failure

I am a pretty laid back parent…Could be because my dad was a complete dictator about EVERYTHING. Cleaning, eating (I am the world’s pickiest eater. The eating issues would turn into World War III), homework, clothes. Everything. You name it, he wanted to tell me how to do it, that I COULDN’T do it, or complain about the way I did it. Me? Not so much. I don’t have rules as much as I have loose guidelines. I expect to see the floor of The Brat’s room, and for her clothes to be in her hamper. I also don’t do her laundry anymore, so if she runs out of panties…her bad.

The only rules that I am completely unbending on are: No drugs. I don’t do them, and since I pay the rent, that means nobody else can either. No sex. The only person who can have sex in my house is ME and The Man (and only with each other) and Nobody in the house when I’m not there. There are very few exceptions to this rule and every one of them are related to me. I don’t care if your BFF got locked out of her house. She can sit on the porch until I get home. The only time this rule can be bent is if I have already ok’d somebody coming over before I get home to pick you up and/or hang out. And if somebody pops up unexpectedly, unless I get a phone call asking “Is it ok?” It’s not. PERIOD. EVER. Because even though I don’t believe my friends are crazed psychopaths, child molesters, killers…I don’t want to find out I was wrong the hard way (better safe than sorry, I say).

I get home yesterday and my husband’s friend, Smiley, is on my porch. He’s standing there talking on his cell. What the hell?
Me: Hey Smiley, are you lost?
Smiles: Nope, I was walking The Brat through printing up my Costco receipt from out here. I didn’t know I was going to need it, and you guys are the closest. (I live less than 5 minutes away)
Me: Uhhhh…
Smiles: Well, she peeked out the blinds and told me that she couldn’t open the door. So I called her on the phone & asked her to print it up for me. She was going to slip it through the window.
Me: AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..She’s not allowed to open the door to ANYBODY when I’m not here.
Smiles: I totally get it.
I let him in and he grabs the paper that she printed out for him and goes off to Costco.

It should be noted The Man & Smiley have been friends since 1st grade. I’ve known Smiley for AT LEAST 20 years because he had been my neighbor since I was 10 years old AND THEN I dated/married his closest friend. He’s known The Brat ALL 13 YEARS OF HER LIFE. And she told him, you know I love you…but I can’t let you in.

Wow. So I guess I did something right.


*Also—they both said they were trying to call me for permission to open the door, but my phone is sometimes stupid & so I never got a call (until of course..I was home then I got 500 bajillion missed calls)