I don't owe you anything

In case I haven’t mentioned it, I work for some Doctors at a BIG FANCY HOSPITAL. I transferred from elsewhere in the hospital after the girl who USED to work here got FIRED. Apparently she was a screw up of epic proportions. She also didn’t pay her bills. How would I know?

This job had been open for 3 months before I started working here. First, I had to clear her 70 bajillion voice mails. Calls from her car dealer. Calls from places she was interviewing. Random calls from friends who didn’t know she didn’t work there. Calls from her/my BOSS she was obviously ignoring. Anyways. I changed the voice mail to say there was a new sheriff in town and life went on. Or so I thought.

I would get random phone calls to my extension, “Can I speak to Fired Employee?” And in my best, I’M NEW HERE VOICE, “ I’m sorry she no longer works here”. It seemed to be enough for MOST of the people who called. Then the calls stopped, I mean…I would get the occasional call, but no big. She’s no longer here. ……*insert 3 months off from work that I spent lying abed with my foot up on pillows*…..and then David.

DAVID did not get the message that Fired Employee is no longer here. DAVID keeps calling hoping to trip me up when calls to ask for Fired Employee. David is a big ginormous PAIN-IN-MY-ASS.
It started innocently enough, he would call, and I would tell him that Fired Employee does not work here any longer. “Okay, thank you” Then I would get a few hang up calls. A word of advice, DAVID, this is 2009. Even my poor little department has caller I.D., so even if I don’t see your name, I see your phone number.

2nd time: “I’m sorry Again. She’s still not here”
3rd time: “Really. Not here”
4th time: ….Okay, it’s time to be serious here. “David”, I say, “How
can I tell her you’re calling if SHE DOESN’T WORK HERE?”
Him: I thought you must be her friend.
Me: REALLY?! I’m not answering her house phone Dave.
This is a place of employment. I have her job, would YOU be my friend if I took
your job?
Him: Well, can you give her a message?
Me: NO.

Really, David. You’re a dick. Then I get to work this morning and you left me ANOTHER flippin’ voicemail. “By listening to this message, you acknowledge being Fired Employee…blah blah blah”. Guess what, Dave? I listened to the whole message, I’m still not her. And THEN I called the number you left. Hi, I keep getting calls from this Jack-hole David even though I’ve told him I am not Fired Employee. Please for the love of all things holy, stop calling here. Fired Employee is no longer here. She’s not hiding up my ass, or under my desk. I swear.**

I may owe lots of people but YOU are not one of them, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be harassed by somebody ELSE’S creditor. At work. Maybe I should give you my home number, so you can stalk Fired Employee at my house too. I still don’t know where she is, but at least I can let you go to voicemail like I do the people that I owe money. (Really, Gas Company? You are going to cut off my service because I owe you 1 damn cent? The phone call you left to tell me that AND the nasty gram on my door was more than that. You guys are ALSO assholes. And I walked INTO the Gas Company's office to give them one penny and tell them so.)


** After my ranting and raving, David's SUPERVISOR removed my phone number from their data, so hopefully...no more phone calls. So all's well that ends...