Monday, August 18, 2008

Marriage in Real Life

I was over at absolutely bananas and she's got this here writing prompt. Marriage in Real Life. As in, not the picture perfection you trot out for guests. THE REAL THING.

What can I say about being married? I have been married for almost 16 years and the only thing I know is that sometimes it's the little things that keep you going. Being married for as long as I have, I gotta get my kicks somewhere. So where do I get them? Driving my husband crazy.

I'm not a complete jerk. I do like to do things that let him know I was thinking of him. Sounds sweet right? Sounds like maybe I'm gonna feed you a bunch of B.S. about writing him love notes and poetry when he goes away. Umm, no. That is totally I would write him, but I'd send my letter in this envelope:

Can you imagine what kind of fun an envelope that says it's from the Society of Hemorrhoid Sufferers is when you are at war and someone else is passing out the mail? The Man is very secure AND apparently loves me an awful lot to put up with my bullshit.

He would retaliate by sending me porn postcards. To MY MOM'S house for me. Luckily, my mom has a sense of humor. And very rarely picked up the mail.

How could I not love a man who would do something like that?

At about year 5, I would talk to him when he was in the shower. When he least expected it, I would toss a bucket of ice water over the top of the shower stall. And laugh hysterically while he screamed vile curses upon my head. I was never stupid enough to let him in when I took a shower, PLUS only a fool would pour water on a black woman's head. You know how much it costs to get my hair done? TOO. MUCH.

His payback? Jumping out at me when I was coming out of the bathroom first thing in the AM, while I am still 1/2 asleep. Did I mention I pee alot? I pee alot AND I always have to go 1st thing. Even when I KNEW he was out there waiting on me, he would scare a couple of years off my life. JERK.

Although I'm sure these things sound a little bit sadistic, it's nice to know that the little things I do to make me laugh, also reassure me that The Man has not lost his sense of humor. Besides, these are the little things that keep MY marriage going. Every marriage is different, some people like hearts & flowers, and claim they don't have any quirks that drive each other crazy. I'm totally not one of those people. I would much rather know that you love me enough to overlook the fact that I sent you jellybeans, and also spiked the bag with super sour jellybeans, so you never know which one you're gonna get (but I also smuggled smut & liquor in his care package, so maybe that's the REAL reason).

And in return, I gotta be on my toes because right now, is football season, and he is not above tackling me when I least expect it.

So as you can see, I may be driving him crazy, but he is clearly enjoying the ride.


Kori said...

Porn postcards? You gotta love a man like that.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I soooo love that you guys act like this. Ant he envelope and post cards? Mr. Hallisicle would totally do that to me!!!

Love it!!

Hallie :)

Mamasphere said...

My husband and I do crazy things to each other all the time! We'd be one dull couple if we didn't. I think it keeps us young at heart, too. Now our duaghter is catching on and starting to pull her own pranks, and it may be funny when one person gangs up on you, but not two. I'm going to have to pull her over to my side.

IRISHKAT said...

How fun!!! We likr to joke around too though I don't think I could handle the jumping out thing. I would probably pee down my leg!! ha ha

marye said...

that is hysterical..I am married to a marine too, it takes, you know, a special person to do that/

Katie Says said...

This is AWESOME. I am in love you already! haha!

These kind of jokes are the best ways to show your affection, in my opinion. = )

only me said...

What a fun life you have there!First time visiting your blog and I am scared...
okay not really I think you are a riot and now I am off to read your archives (if you have them)

angel said...

it sure sounds like it!!!

wendy said...

Kindred Spirit!!

Your marriage sounds so much like mine! The Husband tried the cold water in the shower with me once but he tried it from the side. We have a curtain AND liner so somehow, I was quick enough to close the liner...the cold water splashed back on HIM! Bahahaha!!

Bananas said...

this is awesome. the two of you sound like a perfect pair.

Ryan Ashley Scott@Optimistic Cynicism said...

I love REAL marriage stories - especially these funny types. The "I love you so much I can't help but torture you" kind. Good stuff.

Over from Barking Mad's link, btw. Thanks for the laugh.