So this one time, in Baker...

It just doesn't have the same ring, does it?


To clarify, Baker is around 90 miles from Vegas. Give or take. It is the home of:





World's LARGEST thermometer


But let's face it, I don't drive all this way to find out how hot it is. And it's DAMN HOT in Baker in April.

VEGAS, baby. I went there. I didn't go for the usual reasons though. EVEN THOUGH a decent amount of liquor was imbibed and a fair amount of dollars were dropped at the roulette tables. No...I went because my sister has gone crazy participated in the Baker to Vegas Challenge Cup Relay. Does anybody remember the part where I said that it is 90-ish miles from Baker, CALIFORNIA to Las Vegas, NEVADA? Ok, good.

 I going to write a post, but then it started getting LONG.  REALLY LONG. So how about some highlights?

• My sissie ran almost 5.5 miles. At 9 o'clock. OF THE EVENING. I think it sucks that you have to spend the WHOLE DAY AND MOST OF THE NIGHT in Vegas sober, because you have to run a relay later that night. At least they party after their leg is over.
• In order to be on the relay route, to hum the theme of Rocky at her before she passed the baton, I had to get my car marked with her team's number.
• I think THIS proves that the LAPD has a sense of humor.
• I thought it was very cool that each runner had a car following them. Warning: Not a very good picture, because I TAKE HORRIBLE PICTURES.
• Being around all those cops and such made we wanna yell out the window, "FUCK THE POLICE", N.W.A-style. 
• Sometimes, I open my mouth even when I KNOW I should keep it closed.
• #thatswhatshesaid
• My husband thinks I'm ridiculous.
• I really wish that we could have stayed until Monday, so we wouldn't have to rush back Sunday trying to beat the traffic.
• I'm VERY PROUD of my Sissie for participating.
• On the way back from Vegas, we stopped at Alien Fresh Jerky. In Baker. Which is more than an hour BY CAR. And all I could think was, "These mf'ers RAN from here to Vegas?! That's badass, but STILL. They are ALL outta their damn minds!"
• Next year, we're going back. She's going to run again!

This still ended up being long-ish. What are you gonna do? Until the next Vegas trip!

So, your kid is sick...

I'm not trying to be a jerk. REALLY.


But. If your kid is sick, TAKE HIM TO HIS PEDIATRICIAN. Let the GD DOCTOR decide if she/he is sick enough to see a Specialist and IF IT IS A MOTHER FUCKING EMERGENCY. This is why they are the damn doctors. Unless you are actually a physician, there's a pretty good chance your Pediatrician knows his shit*, and won't steer you wrong.

Sometimes, your Pediatrician does want you to see a Specialist. But not RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Believe me when I say, if your Pediatrician wants your precious to be seen toute-de-motherfucking-suite, he will get his ass on the phone and make some phone calls to make sure this happens. 

IF, however, your kid has had some sort of oozing rash for going on 6 weeks, and hasn't even seen his Pediatrician, AND the only reason that HE MUST BE SEEN RIGHT NOW, is because you are going on vacation TOMORROW? We will   judge you not treat you as an emergency.

*****

Okay, so your Pediatrician agrees/announces: You should make an appointment to see a Specialist. I know...this is your baby and now that you know you need to make an appointment, you want to get this over with as SOON as possible. So, not really an emergency, but who really wants a doctor's appointment looming in the distance right?

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but doctor appointments, far and wide, are rarely convenient. You can usually have the DAY you want, or the TIME you want, but not both. This is a universal truth. 

Sometimes you get lucky. They have the elusive perfect day/time. (This is as rare as one of those good hair days where you just sorta combed it out and everybody kept asking did you get your hair done because it looks THAT. DAMN. GOOD.) But more often, they will not. Try to be flexible. You can't expect for them have an appointment for you the same day you call. Some Specialists only see patients on certain days, so they book up quickly. SOMETIMES THEY CAN SQUEEZE YOU IN ON A RANDOM DAY. SOMETIMES THEY CAN'T. Work with them boys and girls. They're doing the best they can. REALLY.

If you feel that this cannot wait, because your baby boy/girl is SICK! ACTION MUST BE TAKEN IMMEDIATELY!! And the Specialist is unable/unwilling to DROP EVERYTHING (Other patients, obligations and the like) to see to your VERY SICK KID (your emphasis, not your Pediatrician's), go to the Emergency Room. THIS IS WHY HOSPITALS HAVE THEM. For Emergencies.

Maybe they just really can't see your kid today. FOR WHATEVER REASON. Maybe, their assistant has already tried sweet talking them into seeing them anyways, even though we know they don't have the time, because Mom is crying and/or hysterical and baby is screeching in the background making us feel EVEN MORE GUILTY that we can't squeeze you in. Maybe.

We're all people here, folks. We actually ARE here to help,  AND a lot of us have kids, AND we know how it is to have sicky mcbabyface coughing/snotting up/feverish/puking/fill-in-the-gross-thing-oozing-from-your-kid's-orifice-here.

You know what DOESN'T help? Giving the person who is trying to help you the business because we can't kick some kid out of their appointment date they've had for month, because you have decided that your kid's sick > some other kid's sick.

Also? It makes you look like an asshole. I'm just sayin'



*YES. There are exceptions to every rule. If  your Pediatrician  DOESN'T know his ass from a hole in the ground, WHY IS THIS PERSON TAKING CARE OF YOUR CHILD?! If you just disagree and think this is truly an emergency (yes, this bears repeating), Emergency Room. Go there.


** This was a post that was SUPPOSED to go up on Thursday, after being bitched out by a parent who clearly had no concept that everything in the world did not revolve around them and what was convenient FOR THEM. Clearly it did not.


*** But. I can almost guarantee that a parent is going to call Monday FIRST THING insisting that their darling be seen RIGHT NOW because they've been ON DEATH'S DOOR since Friday. But not sick enough to go to the Emergency Room. So. Still. THIS.


****Also? I work for Specialists. Which means that we are NOT the first call. We will ALWAYS ask if you've contacted your Pediatrician. NOT BECAUSE WE'RE ASSHOLES. But, because that's what you're supposed to do first.


***** Okay, I'm really done now with the asterisking. 

Because I am nothing if not helpful

So. This has been happening:

I did a teeny bit of research. And by teeny, I mean I actually looked up the actual twitter handle of said nursing shirt people. Such hard work, yo. I mean I almost got a cramp in my pinky finger.

WELL, HELLO @Undercover_Mama! It's like my name, only...DIFFERENT. And now I sort of feel bad. Because the peoples, they keep retweeting this, and I have nothing to give away. Except assvice, and #thatswhatshesaid jokes.

So. As not to confuse those who are angling to win yourself a breastfeeding shirt. LET ME HELP YOU:

Me:

1. Married to Retired Marine
2. Works at Big Fancy Hospital
3. Breastfed both of my brats old skool style, without fancy hiding shirts because MY KIDS ARE OLD. 
• And so am I.
• And I wish a m-f'er WOULD'VE had something to say about it, so that they could get cussed the fuck out.
4. NO UNDERSCORE

@Undercover_Mama:

1. There is an underscore.
2. Not Me.

You're welcome.