Marking my territory

It’s lunchtime.

I was going to go walking but OMG it’s colder than a polar bears ASSHOLE out there people, so we decided to just have lunch instead. Let’s just meet in the caf, we decide. No problemo. Except. Except something happens to hospital cafeterias when the weather is cold and/or rainy, OR it’s close to payday: Everybody in the whole entire hospital goes to the cafeteria. Even though there’s a lot a really great restaurants in the area, everybody goes downstairs. Dang. NONE of y’all want to go over to Hibachi-san or Quizno’s?

Whatever. I brought my lunch. Because 1. I’m trying to save money 2. I’m trying to lose weight 3. all of a sudden I have to start clocking IN/OUT for lunch and 45 minutes is not enough time to walk to Jerry’s/Johnny Rockets/ KFC AND eat lunch 4. I’m not a half bad cook. So my left-overs rock! But where are we gonna sit? I’m scanning…..scanning…oh there’s a booth! I start walking over…but nope. There’s just one nurse sitting in a BOOTH FOR FOUR (table hog) There’s a booth! Somebody is leaving and I beat a doctor and a random employee to the table. I put my lunch bag & water down because I need to heat up my food.

But I know the employees at my job. I put my stuff down and walk to a microwave within eyesight because it’s like when you go to the laundomat. If you’re not watching, somebody will come over and move your junk.

I have 2 minutes.

I see the first lady walk over and put her stuff down at my table…I am RIGHT behind her. I’m sorry, that’s my stuff and this is my table. “Oh, I didn’t see your stuff” I take this to mean: I didn’t see YOU watching your stuff. (Oh, but I was lady, so grab your salad and kick rox)

I walk back over to the microwave. Because I would have a shit attack if somebody takes my food out of the microwave (I’ve got to EAT that people. Keep your impatient hands to yourself). Is that dude walking to my table? I start walking over…he sees my stuff and keeps going. Back to my food. Whaaa?? MY table! I start walking back over…then back to my food. Another false alarm.

I’m starting to feel like I’m on guard.

(YOU! Step back from the table)
I’m also wondering why it’s taking my co-workers so long to get down here so somebody can SIT at the table and I don’t have to stand guard.

Ding! Fries are done My lunch is ready and I go back to my table. I’m walking next to a guy who thinks the table is free (but it’s NOT). The minute I sit down, my co-workers walk up. Man, I say..I thought I was going to have to pee on this table to mark my territory.

Okay okay.. maybe not PEE. But I’m thing of getting one of these to slap on the table next time I have to have to hold a table.


And I can slap one of these on my yogurt in the fridge at work, wrap them around my pens (I am UBER possessive about my pens), and on my shoes because now that The Brat wears my shoe size, I'm finding more and more of my flat shoes in her closet.