Wednesday, February 18, 2009

There oughta be rules

It's not that everyone around me is dropping like flies, but it DOES seem as though I've been to an abnormal amount of funerals in the last year or so. And I'm no Miss Manners, or anything. But really? I always thought that there was like some unspoken "rules" when it came to gatherings for funerals and junk.

I thought wrong. Yesterday, I went to a funeral with my Mom & Sister. And while we were waiting for the show to get on the road, so to speak, we were discussing the sorts of things we'd prefer when we died. I, for instance, requested cremation...because I am crazy claustrophobic IRL, and would prefer not to think of my lifeless body buried in a box underground.
We also got to talking about the kinds of things that happen at funerals, that shouldn't.

Talking on your cell phone. Yes, I'm sure you're a big deal in your world. But honestly? You couldn't just NOT answer your phone during the service? Did you really have to answer it to say, Hey girl...No, I can't talk right now. I'm AT A FUNERAL. I know there are exceptions, when The Man was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Wherever else he went that involved imminent death & danger, I kept my cell phone on ALL THE TIME. At church, in the bathroom, everywhere. But this was clearly, not that call. And? That's also the time that you should check your cell to make sure you won't be the next asshole everybody is giving the stink eye when your soulja boy ring tone goes off at the loudest volume ever during prayer ('cause you just know it's going to ring to optimize embarrassment/assholey-ness).

I know it's the general practice to wear black for funerals. But 1. This is a funeral, not a biker bar (not that there's anything wrong with biker bars) and 2. This shouldn't really be the look you're going for when some lady who lived her whole life in the most conservative of churches dies. Especially when everyone knows your mama raised you better than to show up looking like it's midnight at 10AM. I'm just saying. You probably could have worn any color you wanted as long as it covered up your snatch.

Gossip! We women like to know the story, morning glory. But if you're going to talk shit about the family (Ohhh, girl I heard he was cutting up yesterday at the viewing. He told off so-and-so, he didn't tell so-and-so about the funeral, they were fighting about money blah, blah, BLAH), do it where people who know the family well don't have to cuss you out in church for telling tales out of school.

I'm sure this list could be MILES long. But I kind of think I hit the big three, don't you? And you don't have to thank me. Consider it a public service for those who are unclear on proper behavior. I am here to help.
Oh, one last thing to the guy I met at the viewing: Hi. You didn't catch my name because I didn't throw it. Although there was some weird backlighting and an absurd amount of candles, I think perhaps you were confused. There were no drinks, or party people. In fact, there was an actual dead body front & center. And so, I think I should tell you that it was inappropriate to try to pick me up. You're a jerk. That is all.


Lump said...

I want to be cremated too.

but I do hope that everyone shows their snatch at my funeral and of course a tequila shot is required before entering the service.

hahaha great post. but yeah, people never cease to amaze me. ;)

kaila said...

Seriously, some douche hit on you at a funeral? Amazing.

Lisa said...

I don't know that I'm meant to laugh at this post, but I did. At least I wasn't AT the funeral during my guffaw.

Kori said...

The guy watched The WEdding Crashers one time too many. Puh-fucking-leeze!

Anonymous said...

I would call that mans mamma an tell he hit on you.

Laural Out Loud said...

You should totally do what Elftea told you to do!

This whole post is hilarious, and I'm sorry that I said that since it's about funeral etiquette, but it IS.